


Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)

by iguer



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Band, Alternate Universe - Prison, Fluff, Frerard, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Underage - Freeform, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 35,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25276750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iguer/pseuds/iguer
Relationships: Brendon Urie/Mikey Way, Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Look Alive, Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gioebs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gioebs/gifts).



My brother and I have always been very different. He's always been loud, easy to make friends, easy to make enemies, always getting in trouble, never worrying, making our parents worry a lot.

I have always been quiet, worrying too much. Making everything so difficult. I know that people always say that everybody cares, even a tiny bit down deep, that no one is totally cool with everything as they pretend to be, but some people really seem not to care a tiny bit. My brother seems not to care. Sure, he cares about me, he cares about his friends, but he doesn't let people, society and all this get to him. He has always been his real self, or so he gets us all to believe. I do believe, I wouldn't make much sense for him to make such an exhausting character up. At least it seemed exhausting to me, to be talking to people all the time, and being the center of attention at parties, or at pretty much any moment in school, and mainly to be jumping all the time. His energy seemed to never end.

– Wake up, sleepyhead!! – I hear him saying as he materializes at my room's door.

– I am awake... – I say, sat on my bed, with my phone on my hand, scrolling my Instagram's feed endless and pointlessly. – What is it? Blind or just daft? – I ask and duck just in time to dodge the pillow he throws at me. – Fuck off. – I say, laughing.

He puts a hand on his chest, falsely gasping. – Oh, My, you offend me!

– Get outta here.

– My, who hurt you? – He could barely hold the laughter. "My" was how he used to call me sometimes, when he was impersonating some of these random personalities of his. "My", short for "Mike", which is short for "Mikey", which is short for "Michael", which is my name.

– Capitalism hurt me.

– Ok, we're gonna be late to school. Get out, My Way. – Michael Way, My Way... he really enjoyed making these bad puns, I hated them, but they were so bad I couldn't help but to laugh.

It was nice to have him around. I didn't usually laugh except in those moments, when we were messing around. In any other moment, when he was with his friends, I kept a low profile, didn't have any friends, didn't really call anyone's attention, which was fine. I liked not having the attention on my, I just minded my own business and hoped everybody else would to the same, rather than come and mind me. And I, actually, did have a friend, Gerard was my friend. We talked, we shared, but why then couldn't I help feeling insecure? It scared me to depend on only one person, and one who didn't depend on my as much. He has his friends, he has his life, his routine, and at the end of the day it was to them he went, and I once again went to the corner, trying to disappear.

I didn't blame him, though. I totally understood, it was normal for us to have different social cycles –except that I didn't have a cycle, of course–, after all, we had three years between us, he was the older, cool brother and I was the younger, weird one.

***

School was the same boring thing of always, at least today was the only day in the whole week in which I didn't have any Nature Sciences' class nor math. I hated them the most.

As usual, I was sat at a table at the back of the cafeteria, earphones on. I liked it in here; from here I could see the whole space, see everyone. I realized my brother wasn't in the cafeteria, which was odd, since eating time was his favorite time at school (at least in this we were just like one another). What was taking him so long? And then, there it was, the cafeteria doors opened, and I saw him walking in, his bright red hair announcing his arrival. With him, as always, were Frank and Ray, his clique, they were always together. But this time there was another person with them.

It is the new guy. Yeah, I remember someone talking about it, there is a new guy in school and maybe he was going to be in my class. I could only look at the new guy. Even my brother's bright hair seemed to fade away. I stare at this new guy, who is talking cheerfully with my brother and looking all around, he has an excited look in his eyes, he is excited about this new school, which is odd enough.

He looks everywhere, every corner, until his look reaches mine. He looks in my direction and I am staring directly to him. I look down as fast as I can. Did he realize I was looking at him? Of course he did! I would be impossible not to have realized. Oh my god, I'm a mess.

Moments later, as I sit on my usual place at the back corner of the class, waiting for the class to begin, I see the new guy entering the room, just behind the teacher.

– Good morning, class, we have a new student joining us. Mr... – the teacher pauses for a moment as he reads searches for the new student's name. The teacher isn't old, but the deep lenses of his glasses, his efford to read anything more than ten centimeters far from him and his lack of manners with technology did make him look like he is.

– Brendon Urie, sir. – The guy standing in front of the class says timidly, but the teacher doesn't hear him and keeps on searching his name.

– Brendon! Brendon Urie! Make sure to receive well our new partner Brendon Urie, and help him get used to the routine here. It's always harder when you begin when the semester's already begun.

He is standing there, in front of the class all the while the teacher is speaking, with a smile in his face. I would die if I had to stand in front of everyone, all of the eyes on me. Yet, there he was, smiling! How could he manage to do it. Once again, he was looking around the room, and, once again, eventually his eyes caught mine. This time, I didn't think fast enough to look down in time and before I could look anywhere else, he smiled, and nodded at me.

– You can sit now, dear.

There were a few vacant seats on class, but he walked all the way from the front of the class to the back and sat by my side.

– Hi, my name's Brendon – he said and stretched his hand to me.


	2. Party Poison

That was the only class we had together —actually that and P. E. but he being a typical jock, good at every sport and being the first to be picked and me hiding in my corner praying not to be chosen, and not being chosen after all, didn't seem much like having a class together—. And I must say I spent the whole week looking forward to Monday to arrive because I'd get to talk to him, even though I didn't talk much.

In the beginning, he always sat by my side. I was worried about not being weird, so I thought it'd be best to act cool, meaning act like kind of indifferent as if i didn't care much, meaning act like a jerk. I tried to act indifferent, but I can see it seemed a lot like he annoyed me. So eventually he didn't bother anymore, he just sat in whatever place was vacant and replied my "hellos" with simple "sup", which incredibly was gentler than the first thing I said to him.

— Hello, my name's Brendon.

— Yeah, the teacher kinda literally just announced that. — It was the bitter sarcasm I tried to do, but usually ended up just being unnecessary and rude. I tried smiling, but it was no good.

What annoyed me was how I never knew what to say to his smart comments, I never had anything as smart to answer; it annoyed me that I felt different when he was around.

I told Gerard that, not mentioning Brendon's name, of course, and being careful to use words like "someone", "anybody", etc., and to change every pronoun to gender neutral. And for my surprise, Gerard said he totally understood how I felt, even though I thought I wasn't making any sense.

— Yeah, I feel... I've felt like that too...

But he seemed uncomfortable and didn't say much about the matter.

— So, um... that new guy, um, Brendon... — I started as if Brendon was a still undiscussed subject, as if hadn't been talking about him for about half an hour. — How old is he? — I knew he was my age, he told me soon after his name.

— Why do you ask?

— Um, I don't know, it's just that I've never seen someone younger hanging out with you and your group, he seems younger.

— He's, um, I don't know, 16 I guess. He's cool.

He's cool, yes.

— 16, yeah, he's your age. And his a faggot, too, you two have a lot in common, you should get along — he was grinning.

— So that's why you two already get along fine, is it?

Gerard came to me and put a finger in my shoulder with a face of false disgust.

— It's alright to be gay, bro, I'll still love you. Well just have to stop hugging in public, and in private, but it's alright, and also keep away from me. —He was laughing now.

— Fuck off. — I laughed, too.

***

Thursdays we had P. E., which was another opportunity for me to see him, but i didn't like these classes. I know normally I should prefer them because I got to see him ass sweating and acting more masculine than usual and in those sleeveless shirts every now and then failing to cover his nipples and all that stereotypical cliché stuff. But I hated them. There was no way I could talk to him during these classes. We never stopped playing. He never sat on the bench, he hardly ever came in the bench's direction, except to grab a bottle of water and, after one of two huge swallows, go back to running around and screaming "gimme the ball", "go, go, go", "c'mon, to the left", or anything like that.

***

Monday. I arrive later than what I use to and Brendon's already in class. I walk hesitantly and sit by his side, not at the back of the room. I don't know why I do this, but I do and feel like I can't just change my mind and go to my usual seat or my nervousness will show.

— Hey — I try to say casually.

— Sup — there's a hint of strangeness in his face at first, but then he's just cool again. Cool as I'll never be.

— Are you coming to the party, Saturday?

— Yeah, sure.

— Yeah — it's more a whisper than anything. — Me too, I think. I'm not very fond of parties, but, I don't know, it'll be nice, I think.

— Anyone special will be there?

— Uh, um, no, no. No one.

— Let's meet up, then.

What?

— What?

— I'm not meeting anyone either, let's meet up there.

— Yeah, sure. Sure.

— Nice.

Nice.

***

The week couldn't take longer to pass. I spent the whole week counting the days, hours and minutes to Saturday. It looked like it'd never come, "finally" I had to whisper when it finally did.

– Help me – I say unannounced appearing at the door of Gerard's room.

– What?

– With clothes. What should I wear?

– Dude, I don't know, it's just a simple party, it's no prom, chill.

– I am chill – I lie. – What are you wearing? – He raises his eyebrows and makes a gesture with his hands pointing at himself, indicating that he was already ready to go, even though he is lying in bed, seeming to be in no rush. He has black jeans pants, black shirt, and black shoes, basically, what he wears every day.

He reaches for his closed, grabs a white shirt and throws it to me. It has soft, thin blue lines in it and does not seem like something Gerard would wear, but I don't say anything, just take it and leave. I wear the shit and don't change the dark blue jeans and red All Star. Apparently, I took a while convincing myself the outfit was good, because when I am leaving, I realize Gerard has already left.

It doesn't take me more than five minutes to arrive at school by foot, the party has already begun, it happens in the gym. I sit at the terraces and look around trying to convince myself I am looking for no one in particular. I find Gerard. He is making out with a blonde girl who has my height and it is funny to see how he has to bow a little in order to kiss her. I go to the table in front of me, to get myself some fruit punch, I have no hurry in doing so, the most time I manage to spend out of the terraces, doing something so I don't look and feel so awkward the better. I get kind of lost in my thoughts and stop looking to people on the dancefloor. When I get back to my spot, I spot him. There, right next to Gerard, making out with the girl Gerard was making out with just moments ago. Gerard is talking with Ray and Frank is close to them, but I can remark he is not talking; he seems to be more concentrated on the couple, even though he is not directly looking at them.

I stop looking too. I get up and head to the bathroom.

– Hey, Mikey! Hey! – I hear Brendon call and, in seconds, he is by me.

– Oh, hey – I say as if I hadn't seen him yet.

– C'mon, come to the middle, we're right there – he points at where the rest of the boys are.

– Um, yeah, I'm just gonna go to the toilet real fast.

– Ok, alright. Then let's meet there right by that corner, I'll wait for you.

I go to the bathroom, but since I didn't really felt any need of being there, soon I leave. There is no Brendon, no sign of him. I go to where I saw my brother and the others and realize my brother is missing too. Since I am already walking towards them I just go on. I greet Ray and Frank, we are not really close, but we salute each other when we pass by every now and then on the hallways.

– Where is my brother? – I ask Frank.

– I don't know, they just left.

– They?

– Yeah, Brendon too.

– Oh. – I shrug trying to look casual and go back to the terraces. A while passes and still no sign of the two. Then, around fifteen minutes later, they reenter the gym, coming from the field. Brendon sees me sitting and comes to me.

– Hey, sorry I vanished. – He laughs apologetically. – Hey, come. Let's go.

– Where?

– Come, you'll see. – We start to leave the gym as he leads me to where he just came back from.

– So... the field... yeah, really exciting.

– It's beautiful! Have you ever been here at night?

– Yeah, actually, a couple times.

He takes my hand and leads me to the top terrace.

– You are so boring, how can you just come here and not appreciate it? It's a great place.

– I just don't get what is so great about it.

– It's great for making out.

– How do you know that... – my voices fades along the sentence and the last word is barely spoken, he is looking at me. Deep into my eyes. His pretty, small brown eyes locked on mine. I feel him getting closer and closer to me. I don't know if it is me who pushes my head forward to reach my lips on his or if I just stand there frozen and waiting for his lips to reach mine so that I can be certain that isn't a dream.

That isn't a dream. I feel his lips on mine. My eyes close and now I can only see with my skin that feels his touch all over my body. I don't have much experience with kissing and making out, and all that, but I know this is a good kiss, it feel so good. He holds me tight in his arms; he grabs my hips with a hand and has the other arm on my back, embracing my waist. He hold me tight but still is so gentle. I pass my hand over his head, messing his hair. He grabs my butt and in that moment, I start to feel something poking the region right above my hips. I can only think about checking if I am also poking him, but I am so involved in all that that I cannot concentrate and feel any specific part of my body. And then, all of a sudden he gets away from me.

– Come, we should go back. – He says and gives me a short fast kiss. He turns and starts to walk towards the stairs. – Come.

We go back to the gym, he goes back to the boys who are still in the middle of the crowd, and I go straight to the bathroom. I look myself in the mirror, trying to understand what just happened. I look down; yes, I was probably poking him too. In this moment I hear the door opening and Frank enters the bathroom, I see him through the mirror passing behind me and leaning on the basin at my left.

My relationship with Frank was weird, I never knew how he felt about me. I always felt like he didn't like me. Maybe he didn't hate me, but at least thought I was annoying, childish, or something like that. I felt that because I felt that throughout my childhood he was a little bugged by the fact that my brother always had to stop hanging out with him and the other boys because of me. My brother always had to come help me with something, he even sometimes was forbidden by our mother to leave the house while she was absent because I shouldn't be left alone and all that.

– Enjoying the party?

– Yeah, it is pretty nice.

– But you haven't been in it much.

– Come again?

– You left, you and Brendon, where were you?

– Oh, um, nowhere, um, we were just, we just left for a moment, but...

– Incredible how you always steal them all from me. – I can swear I heard him whisper.

– I'm sorry?

– Um, nothing, I was, thinking aloud...

We went back to the party. Gerard and Brendon once more were gone.

– He went home – Ray answered when I asked him where my brother was.

– And Brendon? – I ask.

– Just vanished with some girl, I don't know who. Anyways...

– Anyways...


	3. S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W

I arrived home not very late. The house was silent. My parents weren't home yet and I figured Gerard was sleeping, but when I open his room's door to check I find him lying awake staring at the ceiling. The moment he sees me, he turns onto one side to face the wall, but I could still remark his red wet eyes, and hear him sniff. – Hey. – Hey – he mutters. – You left early. – Yeah – he grunts. – Why? – Nothing major. – His voice was heavy. Normally I had only to wait and he'd sooner or later tell me what was wrong, or stop hiding it so that I could join pieces and figure it out. But not this time, that's been different, there has already been a while I can sense his being a little sad or bothered, so now should be the later. "Nothing major" is all he tells me. Well, at least he didn't deny there was something. This is not the first time I've seen him crying in my life, but it is in a while, and it's far from being the last. As the week goes by, I happen to catch him crying two more times. He also showed signs at school, which I, at first, did not perceive. In the following couple of days it became oddly common for me to see him hanging around on the hallways only with Ray, or Ray and Brendon, and no sign of Frank. Or I didn't see him at all, all day long, and these were the days when I saw Ray and Frank talking, hanging out or whatever together. It's been now almost two weeks after the party and I'm wearing the same white and blue shirt I had on that Saturday. It stayed with me because neither did I return it nor did Gerard ask it back. I thought about returning it and use the opportunity to try and chat with him about anything and maybe make him stop, even for a moment, thinking about whatever was bugging him. But what I felt between us felt a bit like ice and I wasn't sure if it had been induced by him, so I just stayed at my corner and let him stay at his. I'm in the bathroom and I see as Frank enters. He goes into one of the stalls. A déjavu comes onto me; we seem to be keen on meeting in restrooms, which is a weird thing. I don't exactly dislike him, but I must say I'm not very fond of him either. Not that he's been done anything bad, it's probably just a reaction to the feeling that he dislikes me. Besides that, he kind of scares me, he's so mysterious, I can never see through him, it's scary to be around someone like that. But he always seemed to be good to Gerard and that made me want him to stay around. My brother is, actually, a lot like that, too – cloudy. – Why do you have Ray's shirt? – Frank asks me as he washes his hands. – Ray's? – Yeah, that is Ray's shirt. – Gerard gave it to me. I thought it was his. – Gerard not wearing black? – Well, yeah, that sure is weird. – Weird... – he laughs. – More like impossible. – I shrug. – Um... have you seen him? Talked to him... lately? – He shrugs trying to make it look like he doesn't know where my question comes from. He fails. That makes it all click in my head and now I'm sure something's off with these guys. – Something's off with you guys, what happened? – Your brother's... he's just... – he pauses. – Did he do something? He scoffs. – Did he? – What did he do? – Just... just be careful, he might as well not care about how you feel about 'im. – He bursts out of the bathroom. I stay for a moment puzzled and just standing there, then I hurry after him. Coming into the hallway, I see him entering a classroom, the bio lad. I go after him, the room is empty and should be for at least a couple more hours. A good place to go cry undisturbed and that's exactly what Frank is here to do. When I enter the lab, I find him sat on a workbench, shoulders shaking because of the sobs. – Hey... – I whisper lightly. – Hey, it's fine. – I am now by his side, he does something I would never expect: he hugs me. He's sat and I'm standing, so his face lies on my chest. – I know he's your brother, but... – What did you mean with... – I don't finish, he knows I'm thinking about what he said in the bathroom. – He's just too... impulsive! Just too crazy and unpredictable. With him there's no tomorrow morning, only tonight right now. With him there's no tomorrow when I sober up, and I happen to always be sober. – He, then, looks like he's awaking from a sleep, suddenly realizing I'm there. – Anyways... – He wipes his tears away, stands up and leave. He never told me what really happened, nor did I care to ask. This is all too strange. Of course Gerard and Frank have had disagreements before, but none caused an uneasiness quite like that. What the fuck is going on? Gerard's P.O.V. What the fuck is going on? Why am I like that? I can't help but asking; asking myself, the universe, god (if there is any), the cosmos, I don't know, just asking whoever. Why am I like this? I push the people I like away from me. Sooner or later I'll do something, say something or whatever and they'll be driven away. "I just feel like I don't know you" were the last words I heard him say to me. It all happened so fast. I lost the grip of things. It started when that new guy, Brendon, arrived. He's been so sympathetic since the beginning, so nice and funny. It felt good to be able to escape, even for just a bit, the same old routine. Being hanging out with Brendon I could forget my feelings towards Frank. I cannot remember when I started to feel like that, we've been friends since I can remember, even before I met Ray, and at some moment I was no longer feeling just friendship, I no longer wanted him to be my friend, I wanted more. It's been a while a realized that that feeling reached a proportion that did not allow me to go on ignoring it. I could no longer pretend nothing was happening and I that saw him only as a friend. But he never felt the same for me, I've always been just his friend, and his male friend, meaning this was as far as I could get, since he does not like guys. But I did, and I couldn't simply stop liking him. It grew exhausting, to be always around him, always so near, so, so close, but still, so far, far away. I just wanted him to look at me the way I looked at him, to see me the way I saw him, but that wasn't gonna happen, almost as if I were invisible, standing right in front of him, yet he saw nothing. That's why when Brendon arrived, we were quick to become friends, to start hanging out, to go together to the party... and to the terraces in the school field. Apparently, we were alone as I thought; Frank was there and he saw us. He became so angry at me, I figured it was because he never liked Brendon and told me not to be around him, because something was wrong with him and that maybe he'd corrupt me. I tried to concentrate on that to suppress the part of me that knew that Frank was also disgusted by me, because of what I am, I've always given my all to hide that truth, so he never saw it coming when he caught me with Brendon, maybe that's the corruption he'd talked about. Well, if that's the case, I have been corrupted long, long ago and if anything it was Frank the one responsible for my corruption. – Oh, my god! Oh, Fuck! Fuck! – I said as I realized we'd been seen. – Sorry, I gotta go. – I hurried after Frank, who already headed back to the party. I reached him before he entered the gym. – Hey, man, hey, please, that's not– that's not what it seems. – Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck's wrong with you? – I, it's, it's not, I, I don't... – Just leave it, man, just leave it. – No, wait. Oh, man. Please, dude, wait. Don't be upset with me about that. – About what? What do you think I'm upset about? – About me being... about me. About what I am... You hate me because I am... because you think I'm a... because I was kiss– – Because you're unpredictable. I never know what to expect, I never know your next move. I've always been so clear with you, I've always showed myself to you, and you just hide, dude. He's angry because I didn't tell him? – What do you mean? – You act one way, then just stop, and do whatever. I had a confused face at this? – I know you like me, Gerard. I know you like me, I've noticed it. But that's fine, I didn't let it get between us, between our friendship, you know. I knew you liked me but then I look and see you with someone else, it's just like... it's like, I don't know, as if I was wrong, you demonstrate something and then break it away and act differently. I don't know, it's just complicated. I just feel like I don't know you – then, he turned around and enters the gym. After that he'd always avoid me, whenever I arrived, he'd just leave the room. I never had a chance to talk to him after that. I saw no other option other than walk home as fast as I can, fall onto bed not even minding taking my clothes off, or moving at all. That was how I stayed for a bit, until my brother showed up and I made myself move. Mikey saw me crying and left, part of me was happy he did because I didn't want to embarrass myself being seen crying, I always tried to look strong, so that he knew he could go to me if he needed. But another part of me didn't want him to go, that was the part of me that didn't want to be alone, that wanted to talk about what was happening, that want to burst out everything I was hiding. But as much as we talked about everything, it felt weird to imagine telling Mikey I was in love with my best friend... which was a dude. During the following days, at school, everything was different, weird. I got away from Frank and consequently from Ray. They seemed to be feeling literally no difference; they looked like nothing had changed, like there had never been me right there by their side. Instead, they had Brendon. He'd been hanging around a lot with them even after all that that happened. Maybe he was just as asshole like everyone after all, he never came to me after the party, after the terraces. I retreated myself, I didn't want them to see me, since we weren't talking. I had pushed them away, it felt like I was to blame, like I was the one who had pushed them all away from me. Some moments it felt like it was my nature to scare people away. At school, in the free time (between classes or at lunchtime) I would look for the quietest place I could find there, the most unfrequented hallway or something like that to just stay there, unnoticed, undisturbed, that place happened to be the library, I'd soon discovered, and there I spent a lot of time recently. Fuck it. I think as I sit on a table in the library pretending to be reading a book, but actually not being able to think of anything other than Frank, and Brendon, and even Mikey. I know what I'll do. Fuck that, fuck 'em all.


	4. You Know What

Mikey's P.O.V.

Ever since Gerard stopped showing up much, Frank and Brendon started being all laughs and giggles together.

Brendon seemed unaware of the tension between Frank and Gerard, or just didn't care, he was just as lively and excited as always. We were talking just fine, mostly in class before the teacher arrived or whenever there was a group activity, but not really much other than that because he spent, basically, all of his time with Frank.

Normally I wouldn't be in a group with Frank, but Brendon was always very enthusiastic about having me around, so every once in a while I saw myself hanging out with them (although that was not frequent). Turns out Ray – who most of the time was there too, but rather quieter than the others – is really nice; I never really had many opportunities of talking to him before.

– Sup – I say to Ray, who was already on the lunch table across Frank. His answer is a nod.

Brendon and I met right after leaving our classrooms on the hallway and when I realized, I was going to have lunch with them. Brendon and Frank exchanged whispers many times during the meal.

– After class at yours? – I can catch Frank's words

– Yeah, all good?

– Sure, all good, yeah, sure. – He did seem a bit nervous.

What were they up to? I thought, and then: urgh, of course! I'm so dumb. Fuck. I was so dumb. I was thinking there might be something between Brendon and me since... since the party...

He liked me, right? I was never good at that flirting thing, recognizing when someone was flirting with me or just being friendly. But this time I thought I was. He liked me, right? He was flirting with me, wasn't he? He grabbed me, took me to the field. He kissed me, and all that. But then he's just there acting like nothing happened, never talking about it, or giving any sign of wanting it again... On the other hand, he treated me so nicely... I definitely am not good at that flirting thing but i guess that was fine, I mean that was a one-night-stand, right? That was fine; a lot of people did that. I guess they did.

Ray is the first to leave, he says he has to hurry because he needs to get home early to do something, I don't understand what. I am not really paying attention; I am kind of lost in my thoughts. We are all actually going to go home since we have no more classes for the rest of the day.

The three of us who remain head to our lockers. Frank's is on a different hallway from mine and Brendon's so he goes away for a moment leaving us alone. Our lockers are not close as I wished so I go on passing straight by mine accompanying Brendon, if I stop here we'd be at least ten meters apart. Just like on P. E. classes, I thought, close, but far away.

– Hey, um, can we talk?

He gives me a strange look.

– Sure, what's up?

– It's just that, like, what happened between us? You know, at the party and everything.

– Well, nothing, we like, just made out.

– Shh! Dude, don't speak so loudly, someone can hear us.

– Oh, wow – he arches his eyebrows like he's just realized something that was obvious this whole time.

– C'mon, man, like, no one needs to know about it, right? I mean, right?

– Yeah, whatever – he speaks more lightly.

– But, like, why are you acting weird about the party?

– I'm acting weird? – He scoffs.

– Yeah... not talking about it and pretending it never happened.

– I'm not pretending it never happened, Mikey. It did and I'm glad it did, you're a good kisser – he smiles seductively and rubs his thumb on my cheek and chin. I stay serious; he gets serious again. – Okay, Mikey, listen, I thought you wouldn't want it again, that that had been only a party thing and all, you know, so I had no reason to talk about it. But I mean, if you want a replay... – he has the smile again, then he raises his voice before I can say anything: – All good?

– Yes, let's go – I hear Frank's voice behind me.

I don't answer him not actually say anything for the rest of the walk home. My house is the nearest, so not five minutes later I arrive. They go on walking.

– See you – Brendon says before I enter home.

– See y'all – is all I say.

Gerard's not home yet. Dad is; mom is not. Dad is at the dinner table on the computer, he sometimes worked from home. He got so quiet on the computer that I, many time, almost forgot he was there. Mom never worked from home, she could too, but she said it was better for her to be there at the office or else the place would collapse. She always talked about how no one can really handle things on their own, about how there always had some matters that needed attendance and how she seemed to be the only qualified person to deal with them. That's the price (or one of them) of running a company. And at the end of the day you could see se liked it, she wasn't really complaining. What she did complain was not having enough time to spend with family, but to be honest I liked things that way, I was nice to have the house only for me and Gerard most of the time.

– Hey, I'm home!

– Oh, hey! – He says looking up from the notebook and goes back to whatever he was doing. I go upstairs.

A few hours later, I can't bear the boredom any longer. I had stayed in my room all this time since I arrived from school, not feeling like doing anything, and still am, lying in bed, staring at the roof, almost like in a trance. I'm lightly startled by the sound of steps on the hallway and Gerard's door.

I jump off of bed, stretch a bit to shake off the laziness. I decide I want to go out, go for a walk. On top of my night table that is beside my bed, there is a skull Halloween mask; I remember Brendon's excitement about the Halloween party that is coming soon and him talking about costumes, outfits and all that. I grab the mask – I don't know why – and leave. I convince myself I'm walking random and aimlessly, but soon enough I see myself going in Brendon's house's direction.

It's a really beautiful house, there are a lot of plants and flowers decorating windows and balconies and there's a tall tree in the front of the house, which stands right in front of Brendon's window. Huh, this should be interesting, I tell myself as I decide to take him by surprise showing up on his window wearing a skull mask.

It is not particularly difficult to climb it, I can manage to go up and not let the mask slip from my hand. I get to a branch that is high enough for me to be able to reach the window pretty easily, I just need to be careful not to lose balance and fall. The branch is not very wide so it is a little hard to stay balanced on it.

I am sitting on the branch while I put my mask on the top of my head so that I'll be able to just slip it down over my face right before appearing on the window – it is a little hard to see through the fabric.

I start to get myself on my feet while holding on the frame of the window, I stay ducked; I take a peek of the room; I see Brendon; I duck again fast.

– You make it look so easy – urgh, that was Frank's voice. Frank was there with him. Didn't he ever go away? Like, ever? But that was fine, it would work just fine getting them both by surprise.

– It gets easy later on. And there's already a while I've been out, of course it hasn't always been easy, in the beginning it was chaos, I thought the worst part was gonna be at school, but no one gave a shit, actually – he laughs. – In the end, people really don't care.

I stay quiet, listening.

– That's why I like you, you're so cool with everything. I wish I was you right now – that was Frank. – I overthink too much, I wish I could just do it.

– Then do it.

– You think?

– Yeah! What's the worst that could–

Brendon's stops talking like he's been interrupted, so I go and take a peek again to see what happened and see right when he is pushing Frank away, who was all over him.

– So-sorry – Frank says, really feeling sorry for the looks of him. There is a moment of silence.

– No, it's... that's alright. But it's just that, you know, I don't feel like that for you, man... I'm, I'm sorry.

– Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's totally fine, yeah, I know, like, that's ok.

I'm standing more and more up, basically standing on the thin branch and having no other support other than my hand leaned on the outside wall by the window. I'm not really hiding anymore, because I was so intrigued to what I was seeing and hearing. Then I get the most intrigued I could get. I see the desk, and I see the white rows aligned on top of it.

– What the fuck – I say a little too loud I guess because in that moment both of them look to the window and see me. Shit is all I think before losing balance.

5 - **** ** **

Frank's P.O.V.


	5. They Do to

Frank's P.O.V.

– Where did you get this? – I ask, trying to look chill, as we walk.

– Some guy I know.

– From where do you know 'im?

– I don't know, man, we met online. When I told him I was gonna move here, he invited me to use it together.

– So, you've already done this before?

– Nah. No, have not.

– So how do you have it? Like, if you never... – I start to stammer. I don't believe him.

– Dude, chill. Oh my god, you're gonna have a stroke – he laughs mockingly. – We talked about me trying it with him, but he was always busy studying and all, so was I, so... Never really happened, so I asked him to give me some and I'd try it alone.

– Wait, he studies at our school?

– He's, like, 26 – he laughs again. – So, no. Not really.

We arrive at his house. There's nobody home. He had said something about his parents being out of town, something to do with visiting a relative, so he'd be home alone for this night.

– Let's eat first. I once heard that it's not good to do it with an empty belly – he says once we have entered his room. We leave our bags and go downstairs, to the kitchen, we snack, we watch tv, we go upstairs again and spent a while chatting about whatever, but not a word about the little plastic bag Brendon had on his backpack. And I'm sort of grateful for that because the idea of actually doing it made me very anxious and I was far from sure whether I really wanted to try it.

– I'm not sure I want to try it – I say as he arranges four rows on the desk.

– Chill, it's not very strong.

– How do you know if you never used it?

He smiles.

– I once kissed a girl who had some in her mouth.

– I thought we had to snore it.

– We do, but some people like to put it on other places.

There is a moment of silence and I decide that is the time to change the subject, but I don't know if I can, so I decide to just break the ice a little.

– Why "Panic"?

– What?

– Why is your nickname "Panic"?

He laughs a little.

– I don't know – he says. – It came from a song, actually, that I heard when I was very little. I guess I just liked it very much and started to say it, like, non-stop.

– Are you serious? – I ask, laughing.

– Yes, I really am. I would react to things saying only the word. I even tried to scare people shouting "panic" at them instead of "boo" of whatever.

We are laughing. So, it's now or never, I'll try to bring the topic right now or I may never have another opportunity.

– Hey, um, remember that thing that we talked about the other day? – I'm serious now, very different from some seconds ago.

– About you being in love with Mikey, is it?

– What? I'm not in love with Mikey! Where did you get this from?

– What? You said you had a crush on a friend and etc.

– And so what? I was not talking about Mikey.

– So it's Gerard, then? – It makes me shudder just to hear the name.

– Fuck off, anyways... It feels like I'll never be able to be out like you, you know? Does that make sense?

– It does, it really does. I know how it's like. But I think you'd be just fine. You don't need to be so afraid.

– It's easy to say.

– And not so easy to do, of course I know that, Frank. I've been through this, too. But once we gather the courage and just do it, we see it's not really such a catastrophe as we thought, you know what I mean?

– I guess, yeah. – He has everything so figured out, made it seem so simple.

– Maybe you could start telling this friend of yours how you feel.

– You think?

– Sure. So there'd be one less person to be shocked – he laughs, but not in a mocking way.

– You make it look so easy.

– It gets easy later on. And there's already a while I've been out, of course it hasn't always been easy, in the beginning it was chaos, I thought the worst part was gonna be at school, but no one gave a shit, actually – he laughs, seeming amused with the subject. – In the end, people really don't care.

– That's why I like you, you're so cool with everything. I wish I was you right now. I overthink too much, I wish I could just do it.

– Then do it.

Then I feel a heat increasing in my belly, my chest, my cheeks. I feel my face getting red and warm.

– You think? – My lips are shaking, I'm not even sure if the words came out of my mouth properly. But an answer comes.

– Yeah! – he says and I step closer to him, then again, then another step and now I'm so close to him. – What's the–

I no longer hear what he's saying. The next thing I know I have my eyes closed and my chest touches his, my hands are on his hips and my lips touch his.

I felt a pressure on my chest that pushes me back to where I was, a few steps away. Once again with my eyes open I realize the pressure came from Brendon's hands.

I don't know where to hide my face. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I'm so stupid, oh god! I stammer an apology and Brendon says something about not feeling like that towards me; my senses are numb with embarrassment.

I can barely identify the source it Brendon's voice. It comes from right in front of me, but then it's coming from the window. No, that is not his voice, that's... I look at the window to see a black and white fabric covering the top of a head right before the head vanishes and I hear a heavy thud.

*

– Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

– Please don't freak out now, we need to stay calm – Brendon says standing next to Mikey's unconscious body that lies on the couch. I walk from one side to the other of the room, totally freaking out.

– Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

– Dude!

– He's fucking unconscious!

– He's passed out, just that, probably because of the fright of the fall. He's breathing just fine. Come here, help me adjust 'im, he'll be more comfortable. He's fine, it's probably nothing, really – he says, but as he holds Mikey's head, the blood that comes to his hand proves him wrong.

He looks at me; I look at him. We say nothing.

– Dude, hurry, come here, hold 'im. I'll, I don't know, I'll get a towel. Keep 'im froom falling. Hold him still, like that.

– Just go! – It's almost as if we swap places: he's freaking out and I take control of the situation.

Brendon soon returns with a towel wrapped around a bunch of ice cubicles. I look at the wrap in his hand, he shrugs and holds Mikey's nerveless head pressing the ice on the back where the blood comes from. I can tell he is making an effort to be as gentle as he can. He passes his hand on Mikey's hair, taking it off of his forehead. Mikey's hair is a mess, Brendon calmly rearranges it, and I can swear I hear him saying "shhh" while doing so. He sees me looking at him doing it and stops, a little awkward.

– Don't just stand there, call his brother.

– His brother?

– Yes-his-brother! Call his brother, for Chrissake. Call Gerard. – Again, I shudder.

I call him; he doesn't answer. I call him; he refuses the call. I call him once more; he picks up. Thank god, I think.

– Gee, um, Gerard, hey – I have no idea how to even begin.

– I definitely do not want to talk to you right now, Frank, try again later – he says before I start and hangs up before I can say answer anything.

I call him yet a fourth time.

– Dude, what the fuck! Fuck. Off.

– Wait! – Too late, he hangs up. – He won't talk to me – I tell Brendon. – You call him.

He does.

– Dude, what the fuck, why won't you let Frank speak!? – Brendon says very stressed. A moment of silence. – Yes, I am with him. And so is Mikey and he's... he's not very fine, he needs help. – Pause. – Dude, dude. Dude! There's no time, we'll explain it all to you later, right now you need to call his parents, your parents. We need to take him to a hospital.

– Loudspeaker! – I say to Brendon, who does as I ask.

– Call your parents – Brendon repeats.

– My dad's home – a robotic version of Gerard's voice says.

– Great, come here, both of you, we're at mine.

– We'll be there in a minute – and hangs up.

And they do. They get to Brendon's house extremely fast and, not one second after arriving, hurry to accommodate Mikey in the car. Brendon, holding him by one shoulder, tells Mr. Way, that holding him on the other side, what we could understand had happened, which was not much.

Gerard and I get left behind planted on the living room as the two of them go through the front door. Gerard looks at me, awkwardly. I look at him, awkwardly. Even if we wanted to say something, we wouldn't have the time, because Brendon is back and tells us to get the hell out of the house so that he can close the door and the fuck in the car so that we can go.

Everything happens really fast. Getting to the hospital. Emergency. Explaining –rather trying– to the nurses what happened. He vanishing behind white doors lying on a gurney. Waiting in the waiting room.

While Mikey's father is handling things with doctors and nurses, Gerard, Brendon and I waiting silent. Even though Gerard's the most nervous of us, Brendon's pretty agitated too. He stands, mutters a "gonna go to the bathroom" and disappears, leaving Gerard and me to our endless awkwardness, barely bearing to look at each other, or acknowledge that one is there right to the other's side.

– Sorry I didn't let you speak on the phone – Gerard says and I see with the corner of my eye that he looked at me, I look at him, but he's looking at the ground once again; I look at the ground.

– Yeah...

– And that I yelled at you.

– Yup.

Hesitation.

– You could say something... – he says.

– Like, you're welcome, after you thanked me for helping your brother.

I look at him, he's looking at me like he can't believe what I just said.

– Is that really all you have to say? Fuck you, Frank. – I am glad we are talking with low voices and that we are at the very back of the room and there is no one near us, or barely anyone in the whole room, to hear us arguing. Are we arguing? At least we're talking.

– Why do I have to say something? You were the one that vanished, suddenly you don't talk to me anymore, or even stands to be near me by the looks of it.

– So I was really supposed to pretend nothing happened after the talk we had on the field, at the party? – He scoffs. – Anyway, I can't worry about this right now, I'm worried about my brother. By the way, what happened again? What were you doing there at Brendon's?

– We were... – talking about me liking dudes, having an awkward moment because I fucking kissed him and he didn't kiss me back, about to do drugs, about to do drugs, do drugs, do drugs. What if Mikey had seen the desk before falling. Oh my fucking god, what if Mikey saw the desk? – Um... what do you care, anyway?

– Why are you being such an asshole?

His words put me to think. I'm so hurt by them. Not because they offend me. I'm hurt to see that I've hurt him.

Silence.

– Whatever – he finishes.

*

We are silent in the car as Mr. Way drives me back home. We are both on the back seats, each looking through a window, as far away from the other as we can.

– Thank you, Mr. Way – I say when he stops by my house, I open the door and leave. I enter home and go straight to my room, don't even observe whether there is someone home, still sort of numb from confusion. What just happened in this evening? I fall onto bed and stay there for a while, the thoughts in such a storm in my head that I can't concentrate in anything.

"Why are you being such an asshole?" The words wanders about my mind. Why was I being such an asshole? I realize I am, in fact, being a total asshole. Why? Why am I like this?

I grab my phone. I stare at myself through the black screen for a moment, then unlock it, open the message app, not really processing what I'm doing. I tap the little magnifying glass and start to type, but I don't need to go farther than the G. His name's already there.

Hey|

I type. Then I erase.

Sup|

I erase it again.

Hey, just wanted to say|

No.

I'm sorry|

I tap the send button at last. Before I can leave the chat I see the word "typing" showing up.

Gee: I'm sorry too

My heart starts to beat faster. I wasn't expecting an answer that fast. I have to admit a big part of me wasn't expecting an answer at all. That was the part of me that had me convinced Gerard hated me already.

Or did he?

Maybe he didn't. Maybe he thought I hated him. "So I was really supposed to pretend nothing happened after what you told me". I guess he had a point.

Why are you being such an asshole?

I don't know, Gee, I don't know.

Can we talk?|

Send.

The answer comes almost immediately.

Gee: Yes

Panic: Hey, are you ok?

Panic: I mean after today

Panic: Crazy evening, right?

The notifications show up on the top of my phone's screen.

When?| – Send.

Gee: Anytime... – send.

Now?| – Send.

Gee: Where?

My parents are home, so... :/ at yours?| – Send.

Gee: Ok.

Where are your parents?| – Send.

Gee: Dad's gonna stay at the hospital

Gee: And mom was already not gonna come home today ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

This is child abandonment, I'm calling the authorities!!| – Send.

Gee: xD

I almost forgot how good and relieving it was to talk to Gerard, even through text.

I almost forget I haven't answered Brendon. I open his chat.

Yeah, really crazy| – send.

Panic: What're you doing right now?

Probably gonna just finish some homework and go to bed. Tired af... zzz :/| – send.

Panic: Boo you, boring urgh

Panic: Haha kidding, see ya

Gee: Where are you? Hurry

See ya| – I answer Brendon; and then to Gerard:

Going to bed, I don't any appointments for today. You?| – Send.

Gee: Ha-ha

Gee: HURRY

Leaving home| – send.


	6. Guys Like Us

Coming back home, I am extremely, extremely relieved. Talking to Gerard made me feel like finally releasing tons of bad, negative, heavy energy I'd been bottling up for the last weeks.

I can't help but smile all the short way that I make long. I'm biking. Which I hardly ever do, but decided to do today because I was in such a hurry to get to Gerard's house. I'm glad I did, because now I feel the wind on my face; the cold wind in my smiling face as I roam the empty streets of the neighbourhood almost aimlessly.

"Hey," I remember saying, timidly, as I walked into Gerard's bedroom. "Hey," I remember Gerard answering as timid as myself. "So... how are you doing?" My own words wandering about my head. "So... how are you doing? How are you doing?" Was it casual as I intended it to be? Did I seem nervous? "So... how are you doing?" Was I awkward? "Yeah, fine, all good. You?" was his answer.

Sometimes I would spent a little too much time just rewinding dialogues on my mind. More time than I would like, I must confess. "So... how are you doing?"

– Yeah, fine, all good – he answered, a little awkward too, I could realize. – You?

– Yeah, uh, I'm fine – I said as I sat on the bed, he was by the desk rearranging some papers, notebooks, pens, and whatever other things were there. He checked something on his phone. He was trying to act cool when he was actually anxious. I didn't know if that made me a little more relieved because I, too, was trying to act cool when actually I was anxious or if the two of us trying to act cool while being actually anxious just made the situation yet more awkward. – Geez, there's been a while since we... since, like, this, us, talked, since we talked, is what I'm trying to say. A while since we talked, it's been. – Fuck! I couldn't say a simple sentence without stammering.

– Yeah, yes, there's really been... a while. But that's ok. It's fine. Like, this shit happens. – He said and I let my body fall onto bed, I was laying down, hands on my face. – Sometimes people that are, like, close, you know, friends and all... sometimes people get a little distant, because of... routines, and everything.

– Sorry – I interrupted his last word. – I'm sorry. – I got back to the sat position. – I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, this was my fault. I shouldn't... I shouldn't've...

– Hey, hey – Gerard was a little startled by my sudden change of mood. He promptly came to me. – What are you saying? – Before any of us could realize, he was sat by my side with an arm around my shoulders. He realized it and awkwardly took it off.

– Yes, I know it's my fault, I shouldn't've talked to you like that. At the party, in the field. I was so stupid! – That was when I wasn't able to see properly anymore, my vision was all blur because of the tears in my eyes.

– Hey, hey, will you stop that? – He had that tone like he was talking to a bird with a broken wing. – Will you just stop that?

– I don't know why I said that to you. Or maybe I do, I do know, and that's the worst part. I just shouldn't've said that. – The words are bursting out of my mouth, uncontrollably. And I let them flow out, I'm afraid that if I stop talking now, I won't ever talk again. – I'm so... stupid, so fucking stupid. I'm actually a jerk.

– That's ok. It's fine. I mean, you were right, I am difficult to predict, I guess.

– Aren't we all? – I said shrugging.

– Yeah, I guess we are all a little unpredictable. I was good for you to tell me that, made me think and, well, rethink some things.

I can see with the corner of my eye that he was looking at me, and by now it was impossible not to see that I was crying since my face was all wet. He hesitated awkwardly for a moment and then put his arm around my shoulders once again, this time more firmly, not by accident. It felt so good, his touch. And I felt so bad with myself. And it only got worse with what he said next.

– It's okay. You only said that because you care about me, you wanted me to realize it and maybe, I don't know, work on it, try to get better. I was nice of you. Well... despite the situation – he said and chuckled a little sad.

Those words came right through my heart, like knives. Each one of them a different blow into my chest. Those were such kind words, and that's why they hurt. Gerard was so gentle, so kind, so careful... and that hurt so much because I didn't deserve it.

– No. – My voice cracking. More tears. – No. You're wrong. You're wrong.

I could feel his questioning look at me.

I had to say it, I had to put it out.

– I said that because I wanted to hurt you. Yes, I wanted to hurt you. Because I was hurt. – I wasn't feeling his touch anymore, because he had taken his arm off of me, and was standing up now, looking at me, puzzled. – I was hurt, so I wanted to hurt you. I always felt like everything was so easy to you, you always had everything sorted out, and it felt like you were always up there, like higher, and I was down here, always so confused. So I made that up, about "knowing" you... liked me. Well, pretty much the opposite, right? – Then it was I who chuckled sadly this time. – I said that so that I could feel like, for once, I was above, like I was up there, like I had the best of the situation. – I scoffed. – So, so... stupid! And such an asshole. I had no right to do that.

He was, all this time, speechless. I could sense he wasn't only quiet, he was speechless. He looked at me, stared at me. I looked back, looked away. Looked again, trying not to be a coward and face him. Looked away again. Everything was silent.

– So... – he started. – You didn't actually think I liked you?

– No, I just made it up. So silly, right? So immature. I'm sorry.

– Yeah... silly...

He was a bit strange. I had never seen Gerard Way speechless.

– I still don't quite understood what happened that night – he laughed nervously. – With Brendon and all.

– That's not really much to understand – I'm looking at him now. I reach for his hand. He was the one looking away now, but as I held his hand in both of mine he looks into my wet eyes. – I get it. You like him, and that's okay. I got jealous, that's the truth. When I saw you two I was afraid I'd lose you. I'm always so... like, attached to people, but you were never like that. You were always free and all. I thought I'd lose you to him. Our friendship and all. And I can't lose you, Gee. I mean, I can't lose your friendship, you know? We're like brothers, and I love you.

– I, I... I love... – he breathed in and out, seeming a little nervous. – Uh, um, me too.

– And there's one more thing. Since I'm talking myself out, let me take this opportunity and say it already. If I don't say it now I think I'll never say it. I don't care that you were kissing a boy, I guess that was just you and Brendon messing around, or, I don't know... experimenting or whatever – I laughed nervously. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is... I wasn't angry at you because you were kissing a boy, I was angry because... – I took a deep, deep breath in. – I was jealous... of Brendon... – then I made a face waiting for his reaction.

– Wait, wh- what?

– I don't think you're a fag or anything... I am. I had a little crush on Brendon. And that's one more thing that made me want to hurt you. I was jealous of him. But that's nothing, it's silly, I'm not, like, in love with him of anything. Just found him cute and stuff, you know?

– Wait... what!? – He repeated.

– Say something!

– I...

– I am gay, I am coming out to my best friend, I don't know how to do that, stop making it even more awkward!

– You're gay?

– Yes, Gerard! – I jumped out of bed. – I like dudes, I like guys, boys, I'm gay.

– Wow – he said and sat on the spot I was. – I just wasn't expecting that.

– Is that really all you have to say? Fuck you – I said with a laughingly voice.

– I wasn't expecting that – he said looking at the floor like he was rewinding all the years he's knows me to put pieces together now that he has this new information. He stays just some moments there totally freezed and just when I was going to demand an answer again he moves. It all happens really fast.

Before I can anticipate, he stood, he had his hand holding my face and his lips pressed against mine, a blink of an eye later he gets some steps away and is, once again, freezed, looking at me like he doesn't know what just happened. I am freezed looking at him like I don't know what just happened.

– Wh- what? – I said.

– Sorry.

– Wow... I really wasn't expecting that.

– Sorry – he gulps.

– What was that?

– Um... I test! – He said energetically.

– What?

– A test! – He repeated. – You're gay. You said you were gay, that you liked guys. I'm a guy. You said you liked kissing guys, I'm a guy, so I kissed you. Did you like it?

– Um... – I had a really confused face at that moment. – Dude... what the fuck?

He laughs nervously.

– It was a joke. Haha. I'm kidding with you. Sorry, I'm sorry, it was a really bad joke, bad taste, sorry, my bad – he spoke fast, frenetically almost.

– It's all good – I spoke slowly, awkwardly laughling. – Dude you're so weird.

***

No, they didn't really KISS yet... but wait, you might not have to wait much longer hehe.


	7. In Prison

– Do you want a glass of water? – Gerard saidabruptly. – Because of the, uh, crying and all.

– Yeah, yeah, please – as soon as he spoke he was already leaving the room and did it so fast I suppose he was already going for the glass of water all the same if I had declined.

So I just sat there for about five minutes, waiting, looking around Gerard's room. Everything was very organized. Most people would expect Gerard to be a full cliché of "the cool guy" that doesn't care about anything, not even hygiene. He was not like that, he was organized, wanted to have everything in order and under control, he was not the type of guy that doesn't care; he cared about things; he was committed, when he put himself to do something, he did it as well and carefully as he could. He's committed, and gentle, and kind, and careful, and–

What's taking him so long? I ask myself, shaking my head heavily as if my thoughts were out of trail, thinking nonsense.

I decided to go down to the kitchen, get the glass of water myself, but as soon as I get one step away from stepping out of the room, I stop abruptly before Gerard and I hit each other.

– You were... taking so long, I was... gonna go down there.

– Oh yeah, I... went to the bathroom... sorry.

– Yup, no problem.

All this time, while we talked, we were facing each other one inch away. None of us , for some reason, moved.

He held the glass in front of his body and we were so close that if we has stopped one millisecond later it would have hit me and we would be all wet now.

I felt his fingers stretching out to reach and touch my ribs, only for a millisecond, though.

– Here, your water.

I took the glass from his hand and felt as our fingers touched, it was a strange feeling, somewhere inside me there was the will of freezing right there so the touch would not be interrupted.

Like it was one cell. I think as I fell the touch of the wind in my face, finally heading home. I remember the feeling and it felt like there was one cell in my body that craved for that touch; being a single cell in my whole body, I couldn't quite recognize this craving at first, nor identify where it came from, but I knew it was there, somewhere. I shouldn't've backed away so fast, I guess.

I took the glass from his hand and backed away. I drank it all up at once and stretched my arm to hand the empty glass back to him. He pointed the desk with the face.

– You can just leave it there.

I did that and sat at the chair that was next to the desk. I let out a relieved sigh.

– Well, I guess I said it all. It was killing me, I feel relieved!

He smiled and sat on the bed.

– I am too – he said and gave a smile that was so cute I could not resist, I remember standing up and going in his direction to give him a hug, not really thinking about what I was doing. When I got close enough, before I had the chance to hug him, he hugged me; and lied down, still holding me, so I fell over him.

– What are you–

We were laughing. It was such a good laughter, in a way we had not since long laughed. I missed it.

I fell over him, rolled to the side and lied by his side. And there we stayed, both staring at the ceiling, laughing, then giggling, then just smiling, then quiet, but not in an awkward way, just... quiet, contemplating.

– I missed this. Us – I said.

– You tell me! All this time we spent apart... I felt... suffocated – the last word was only a murmur, like he didn't want anyone to hear if, not even himself.

I grabbed his hand.

Holding the handlebars of the bike a little stronger now that I am slowing down and getting off of it, I remember touching his soft skin. I walk into the house, to my room, remembering a dialogue, like in that moment back in Gerard's room there was only this dialogue, nothing else in the world.

– I am so sorry – I said.

– Don't be.

– Forgive me.

– Stop this. There is nothing to forgive.

– Thank you.

– No problem.

– No, I mean, really – I turned my head, he turned his. I stared right into his hazel eyes. – Thank you, for everything.

– Thank you.

– You're welcome.

– You're welcome.

*

Not two hours later, finally at home, in my room, my head is crazy.

My heart is crazy.

My belly is crazy.

And I can't stand still.

My heartbeat gets increased at some moments. My belly is tickling, now I understand the concept of butterflies in the belly. I get, it really seems like many butterflies flying around in my stomach is the only explanation to the tickling. I can't stand still; my body is agitated because my mind is agitated, and I suppose that is because my heart is agitated.

I feel happy, I feel joyful because of the good talk. I feel feelings I didn't know, so I can't name them. I feel weird because of some of these feelings. I had... a good time with Gerard... but in a different way. Of course in the many years we've known each other there has been tons of times when we had a lot of fun together. But never like this. This time I didn't just have a good time with my best friend who is practically a brother; I had a good time with this boy I know, whom is really nice to talk to, who is very cute when he smiles, who I've to realize I admire. And who, I've also come to realize, seeing hurt, hurts me the most.

I was agitated, walking from one side to another of the room; then giving little jumps; then shaking arms and legs. I felt anxious, but... for what? I wasn't expecting anything, so what was I anxious for? I don't know, but I was. I felt like I was feeling so many things at once, I wanted to transcend my body. Somehow, I felt like my body was not capable of accommodating me. I felt like I was in a prison, this prison was my physical body, because like everything in the physical world was imperfect, incomplete, only the feeling of joy I felt talking with Gerard was complete, perfect, only this feeling was enough to accommodate a whole spiritual being.

With these reflections –that made me strange myself for having them– I went to bed and, having in mind everything that just happened in the las hours thought: what the hell just happened? And looking at myself with the tickling in the belly and hands and feet, what the hell is happening?


	8. Mama

Dark. It is dark and I am sitting in a bed. There is someone, but I cannot see who it is, it is dark. I get up and take a step closer to the figure. The figure takes a step back. I take one more step. It backs away. I take a step back, but there's no ground and my foot falls and I fall into the dark hole as I see the darkness surrounding me. It's like I'm just watching. And when I start to go up, as if things were rewinding, I see myself. Only the shoulder and the side of the head. I see him taking yet another step towards the figure and see the figure backing away. He takes another and another and another and some other steps forwards and the figure sometimes backs away, and sometimes stays put. He is not sure, whether the figure wants me to stay away or if it is just waiting for me to approach it. I feel the hospital bed far away back, miles back, but still visible, shining all white and silver, other than the bed, all is darkness. Then they stop walking, the figure seems to be vanishing away in the dark. I don't see his –my– shoulder anymore. I take a step back and feel the cold touch of the metal of the bed on the back of my knee. I am sitting on the bed.

Brendon's P.O.V

I've spent almost all evening in the hospital.

I would've happily brought a blanket to be prepared to sleep here if Mr. and Mrs. Way hadn't told me it wasn't necessary. I didn't want to insist on it because I didn't want them to think – nor did I want to admit to myself – that I was a little obsessed with Mikey waking up. But I managed to make them let me stay for some time, since I didn't go back home too late.

Mikey had to wake up. He had to. And I knew I could no longer rest until he did.

Sometimes I would grab his motionless, cold hand and feel him tightening the grip, but the doctor and nurses said it was only reflexes.

– Brendon, darling – says Mr. Way at one moment; he had stayed here too the whole time. He's sitting at the table in the corner of the room, using his laptop. I'm sat on the chair on the other side of the room, by the window, and closer to the bed. I usually stay here, using my phone, or reading, or looking at the ceiling. That's what I'm doing right now, looking at the ceiling, and get a little startled by Mr. Way's voice. – I'm worried about my son, but I'm starting to worry about you too. It's not healthy for you to be in here all the time.

I sigh. He's not wrong.

– Go rest a little – continues. – Go home, or maybe hang out with your friends... don't worry, as soon as he wakes up we'll call you – he spoke friendly, and I am so grateful for him to be telling me this, I feel that I am being taken care of, and it makes me realize I miss having a positive fatherly figure. Mr. Way treats me better than my parents ever did. Mikey is lucky, and I am lucky for having known him. I decide to take the advice. It really wasn't very healthy for me to stay there. I nod at him to indicate that I appreciate his concern.

Mrs. Way arrives; she enters the room, avidly greets her husband with a kiss on the cheek, and greets me with a kind hug. She informs that she came only to give Mr. Way the bag he had asked for and is already leaving.

– Honey – Mr. Way, calls looking up from the laptop –, can you drive Brendon home, please?

– Sure! Come, darling.

She drives me and, when I get home, I'm still worrying about Mikey: I can't help it. I try to calm down, take a deep breath and, only after telling myself that everything is going to be alright, finally feel calmer.

I need a distraction. I get my phone, open the messaging app.

Hey, are you ok?| – send.

He didn't answer right away, so I just stared at the open chat for some moments, then at my home screen, then at myself through the dark screen. For a moment I stop to think about whether Frank is alright; he's probably coping with all that better than me. Then the screen shone again with a text notification. I ask if he's available, but reality kicks in.

Frankie(ro): Probably gonna just finish some homework and go to bed. Tired af... zzz :/

We still have school, we still have things to do. I have them too, but I just can't put my mind to it. So I text my friend, the one who gave me the drug I never had the opportunity to use. I was really decided to try them, but thanks to Mikey I didn't, and I suppose I'm thankful for that, now that I thought about I don't know if I really wanted to do that, or if I was only willing to do it because a lot of other people did.

Mikey helped me seeing that. He was good to me, he made me a better person, I felt good when he was around, and he prevented me from putting trash into my body and mind, even not being aware of it, he helped me.

I can't stand the boredom anymoooreee| – send.

Robber: Sup

Take me out of here| – send.

Robber: are you asking me to take you out?

Yes?...| – send.

Robber: Sorry, Brendon, I don't feel the same towards you, I see you only as a friend...

I hate you| – send.

Robber: That's a shame, I was about to invite you to a party... :/

Where when how much?| – send.

Robber: Around here, meet me at mine and we'll go

Coming| – send.

I take my bike and a few moments later am on the porch waiting for Rob.

— Leave your bike, here, I'll put it in the garage.

We walk for some minutes and started to hear some music, laughter, chatter...

The party is happening on the open, it was a really nice place, more elevated than the surroundings, so we got to have a view of the neighborhood all shining with silver and yellow lights.

As soon as we get there, people come to greet us; well, actually to greet Rob, but they are very sympathetic and talk to me too.

Then I see a boy with bright yellow hair and holding two cups approaching us with broad friendly smile on the face. He greets Rob with a kiss on the cheek, to which Rob answers equally, and they give a careful not to spill the drinks yet affectionate hug.

– So sweet of you to bring me a drink, honey – Rob says laughingly.

– Thank you – the boy answers handing me one cup and sipping from the other. He shrugs and laughs.

– Urgh, screw you, fucking bitch – Rob says laughing and walks away, searching for a drink, stopping to greet people on the way.

I follow Rob for one second, then my eyes are staring into the boy with yellow hair and his are staring into mine. One second later, but not before, he stretches his arm towards me.

– Hi. Josh.

I shake his hand.

– Brendon.

He smiles with amusement. He makes a fast nod with his head, as to invite me.

– Come, come.

We go to a parapet that separates the party from the fall down the little hill. There's a small space before the edge of the hill on the other side of the parapet. Josh jumps the parapet and looks at like saying it is my turn. I jump too and we sit on the floor. We start to chitchat; Josh tells me funny stories about some of the people there are in the party, involving other people that are not, he points at who he has already made out with, who kisses well, who doesn't...

– You're not drinking – he remarks.

– Um, well, yeah, no... not really into drinking.

– Oh, you don't drink?

– Right now, I mean. Not into drinking right now – I try to smile.

– What happened? – He asking realizing my thoughts are away.

– Um, just some... stuff. I'm a bit worried about something...

He puts his arm around my shoulder and turns me around, opening his other arm as to indicate the whole place.

– Look around, you're at a party, dude! Try to relax, drink a little, shake this off. Maybe go make out with someone, plenty of pretty people here.

I try to laugh.

– Just have a drink, dude, chill.

– Yeah, I don't know about that. I don't know if I should, I'm waiting for a call...

We are now once again with our backs to the party, facing the view.

There is a moment of silence.

– It is someone, isn't it? The thing you're worrying about. You're worried about someone...

My answer is a nervous laughter.

– Who is it?

– A friend... – the intonation of my voice makes it seem more like a question. – I don't know, we haven't known each other for very long, but he is so dear to me. You know what I mean?

– I do.

– He is really, really dear to me. I don't know, this is kind of new, I've never felt like that about anyone, I guess.

– I feel you, I have a dear friend too. He's the person I care the most about in this world. I love him so much.

– You... love him?

– You kidding me? I love him more than I love myself – he laughs.

– How do you know that you love him, that you love someone, and what... kind of love it is?

He chuckles.

– I feel you, I know what you're trying to say. Well, I guess you just do. You just know that you more than appreciate that person. And right after you realize that, you see what that person is to you. If you love them as a friend, or... you know what I mean?

– Yeah, yeah, I do. – I do.

– Don't worry, really, you'll figure things out, and it's not that difficult, actually, for example, I look at this friends of mine and see a brother, you know? There's no mistaking it.

There is another moment of silence. And in that moment I realize it. Yeah, I think I do.

– Huh, that's really a shame.

– What? – I ask confused. – What is a shame?

– That you're all into this person and not looking for any hook up tonight, I suppose? – He has a funny way of saying things with a questioning intonation. – I have at least five people interested in you... A waste, really...

I laugh. – I haven't even seen you talk to anyone, how would you know?

– The looks, little Bren, the looks. People look, people stare. – He says laughing too. – Ok so that's already too much wasting for tonight, I'm not gonna let you waste beer too. Give me this – he says playing with the cup he emptied and stretching his hand for me to hand him my cup.

– Fuck it – I say as I drink up the beer from the cup I've been holding. Josh laughs.

– Hell, yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

He stands up, signals for me to do the same, we jump back over the parapet. Josh grabs me by the shoulders and lead me around the place, stopping every two steps to present me to someone as his friend, as his boyfriend, as his half-brother, his cousin, a guy he just met... to each person he tells a different story as we try to hold our laughter. I try to relax more and it works, I really enjoy the party, a lot of nice people, nice music and all, it works having Josh there to make me laugh and think about ridiculous lies to tell strangers so that there is no space in my mind for worrying.

It is working. Thank god.

The party goes on and on all night and when I am sat, slightly intoxicated, looking at the sky watching closely the light increasing as morning comes, I feel my phone vibrating. Someone is calling me. I don't have the number saved on my contacts list. I pick it up.

– Um, Brendon, hello? – I hear Mr. Way's voice. – I'm sorry to call you so early in a Saturday morning, hope I didn't wake you up. Um, he's awake! Come anytime, he says he wants to see you. See you, best regards.


	9. Welcome to the Black Parade

Whatever intoxication I had in my system was shook off by what I just heard. I feel completely awake, energetic, cheerful.

– Oh, my god! Rob! Rob! Come here! – Rob, who was with a group of friends in a corner, chatting, comes to me. – Take me to the hospital, please.

– Wow, you fine?

– I'm not checking in, dumbass, gonna visit a friend.

– 'Kay. Just a sec – he went back to the group he was chatting with. – Guys, I'll just get Brendon to the hospital real quick, be right back – I overhear him telling his friends.

– What? Why are you going to the hospital? – I hear Josh asking from behind me, I turn around and walk to meet him. – Is everything alright?

– Yes. Yes! He's awake!

Josh looks at me confused.

– The person I was talking about to you. He's at the hospital, he was unconscious, but he just woke up!

– Oh, gee, is he fine?

– Yeah, I think so. He's been stable all the time, so I guess he'll be out soon, I'll just go there to check on him. Hey! By the way, sorry that I'll have to leave.

– No problem, dude, run to your man – he laughs. I laugh at the thought of Mikey being my "man".

– We talk later – I am already leaving, Rob is doing the same from the corner where his friends are. We meet up and walk hurriedly to Rob's house.

– Yeah, sure – I overhear Josh responding.

By the time we get to Rob's house, I'm almost running; Rob comes behind me. We hop onto his motorcycle and go.

He rides fast; I'm almost enjoying it. I would've enjoyed the ride if my head were open to mind the wind, the view of the city being bathed by the early light, etc. But all I can think of is getting to the hospital and all I can feel is anxiety.

We arrive at the hospital to meet Mr. Way in the hallway, sitting in front of the door to Mikey's room.

– Oh, hi, guys. Hello, Brendon – he offers to shake my hand. – And... – he offers to shake Rob's hand.

– Oh, Rob, sir. – Mr. Way smiles in amusement at being treated as "sir". – The doctor said we could go in in a sec. She's just doing some general check up.

He just finishes saying that when the door opens and two nurses get out, right behind them comes the doctor, who turns around back to the inside of the room.

– There are some people here who would like to see you – she says friendly. She turns to us – You can go in now.

– I'll just wait here – says Rob.

We go in to see Mikey looking at us joyfully.

– Hi, son.

– Hey, dad.

– How are you doing?

– I'm fine, yeah. I just have a little headache, but the doctor said it was "expectable" and they gave me some medicine for that, so it must kick in soon.

– Good – says Mr. Way with a smile; you could see how glad, happy and relieved he was. – Any other complaints?

– No, no. The doctor said I may feel dizzy during the next few days while walking, but that won't be for, like, twelve hours or so, so... She even said there's a chance I have to stay for another day, but that's not probable because I've been stable the whole time, so I'll only need to stay more time if I go through some big shock of something like that.

– You'll be alright.

– Where's mom and Gerard?

– They're coming. They should be here any second. Your mom just had to pass by the office real quick, Gerard's with her

Gerard. It's been a while since we've last talked, or even properly seen each other. I wonder how he is, seen that, apparently, he has been going through some things, and I kind of can't help but feel guilty, because he stopped hanging out with the guys after I arrived. I hope he won't blame me for anything. And I hope he's in a good place right now, because Mikey could really use his brother's cheerfulness to brighten up a bit – he's smiling to his father and saying he feels good and all, but I can sense he's not as cheerful as he normally is.

– I'll let you guys talk for a minute, okay?

– Thanks – Mikey murmurs. – Hey – he says faintly when his dad is away.

– Hey – I say shyly. He taps twice lightly on the bed to indicate for me to sit there. I go to him and sit on the edge of the bed, by his side.

– One of the nurses told me you've been visiting me – he chuckles.

– Yeah... I look away, timid.

He reaches for my hand.

– Hey – he calls, – that was sweet of you. Thanks. Now he's the one looking away, timid. – You didn't have to, you know?

– But I really felt like it. I was so worried. – I see him blushing. – What?

– Nothing, it's just that... I've never been, you know, that important to anyone... except my parents of course.

– And your brother.

– Well, yes, except for my family. Isn't it, like, their obligation?

We laugh.

– You're important to me – I say serious, yet calmly. – I care about you. I felt bad for not being able to do anything to help you while you were out.

– But you did.

– What?

– Yes, you did. I dreamt about this... figure. Someone that appeared to me while I was in this bed. And this presence made me feel comfortable. It made it easier to deal with the dark. Somehow, I knew that was you. I wasn't sure at first, but when the nurse told me you had been here all along, it all made sense.

Silence.

– I like it when I'm with you – he says. – I think this is the first time we've been properly alone, only the two of us, no one else.

– Yeah?

– Yes, I guess so.

– It's so different, isn't it? Being with someone while there's other people around and being only you and that person.

– Is there something you'd like to do with that person if you're alone with them and no one else is around?

– Yes... but I don't know if the person would want that thing too...

– Let's suppose the person does... – he says looking deep into my eyes. He tightens the grip of my hand.

I start to lean towards him. Our faces getting closer and close together. Our noses rub on each other as our faces get the nearest and our lips touch.

It's a soft kiss. And it's perfect.

I back away again. I look at him, smiling with both mouth and eyes. He looks at me, smiling with both mouth and eyes. With the hand is not holding his, I caress his cheek, then pass my hand through his hair.

– Hey, there – we hear Rob saying from the door, entering the room. – So you're Mikey. I'm Rob.

– Hello, nice to meet you.

They start talking, but I'm no longer listening. I'm just looking at Mikey's face all the while and admiring his beautiful face. But I do hear them laughing and the sound of their laughter bring me back to the perception of things. They seem to be getting along pretty well. Rob is a very nice guy, everybody likes him.

Then we hear, from the hallway, the sound of steps, then Gerard's voice asking a nurse if he can go in the room. Mikey's face brightens up. He is so glad his brother is here. I see Gerard going through the door, into the room with a smile on his face, clearly also happy for seeing his brother awake and well.

Then Mikey's smile fades away as he sees his brother's expression change from happiness to confusion.

Then from confusion to anger.

– What the FUCK IS HE DOING HERE? – he shouts with the finger pointing to Rob's face.

– Hey, Gee... – Rob starts.

– Don't you fucking call me "Gee", you little piece of shit.

– Hey, wow, easy, Gerard – being careful to call him by the full name so that he does not get angrier, I say going to him.

– You stay out of this, Brendon – he grabs the collar of my shirt. I push him away and he lets go.

– Dude what the fuck!

– No, actually, you're not out of this, will you explain to me what is he doing here?

– This is Rob, a friend of mine, apparently you already know each other. He came here with me...

– Rob? Wait, you brought him here?! I can't believe this. Bert, will you tell me what the fuck are you doing here?

Rob goes to him.

– Hey, dude, chill, let's talk... – but he's interrupted by the punch Gerard gives him in the face.

– I have NOTHING to talk with you, you fucking asshole!!! How dare you come here, how dare you! Asshole! – And another punch and another.

Gerard grabs Rob's by the shit's collar before he fell onto the ground and pushed him to the hallway. Before I could follow them, Mikey grabs my arm and pulls me next to him. I sit on the edge of the bed again. Mikey embraces my arm. He's scared.

Sitting on the bed I can see through the open door Gerard punching Rob, who is trying to defend himself, and move out of the reach of Gerard's hits, but failing. I can see Rob's face is red with bruises and blood.

Then I see the black of the uniform of the security guards that came to the scene and are trying to hold Gerard still. Eventually then can.

– It's alright, it's alright – I tell Mikey. – It's over.

Mr. and Mrs. Way appear now, asking for and explanation from the nurses and security guards that are in the hallway, and demanding them from Gerard.

Then the cops arrived. And they were taking Gerard rather ungently with them, while Mrs. And Mr. Way were very upset and confused and shocked. It was a shock for everyone. It was the shock for Mikey. The shock that was missing for him to get unstable. As he did. In the whole confusion, he passed out. The doctor said he'll surely have to stay for at least three more days there.

*

– Mrs. And Mr. Way, where did they take him? – Mr. Way has his eyes wet with tears and has been silent for a while, so it's Mrs. Way who answers.

– To a reformatory – she says as if there were sand in her throat. – Only for a short time, they say, one week... maybe one and a half. The officer said that if he behaves well he might get out soon. It's for the best, Gerard does have some struggle with anger – she says like she is trying to believe her own words.

Silence.

A tear rolls down her face.

– I'm sorry to have you seeing all this. You should go home, honey – she says. I nod.

– I'll walk – I say before she offers to drive me. – It's okay – I put a hand on her shoulder as to say that I'll not bother her. She smiles thankfully.

On the way along the hallway, I see, through a window, Rob lying unconscious, like Mikey. Bruises all over the face.

I walk slowly home, thinking, trying to process what happened. Rewinding on my head the images of Gerard grabbing my shirt's collar. That look on his face, that anger was so big. It makes me shiver. What had Rob done to him that made him lose it so bad.

*

It's 11:50 pm. The things that happened on this morning seem like they just happened five minutes ago.

After the hospital, Gerard was taken to the police station and would be permitted to go home for a minute to pack some things and head straight to the reformatory. So, by now he should already be in some dark, dirty, stinky cell.

My phone rings. It's Frank.

– I don't know what to do, what to think, I don't understand a thing.

– Neither do I.

– I'm scared.

– Hey, it's alright. It's alright.

– I can't sleep.

– Me neither.

– Everything is so confusing.

– You're not alone, okay? It's okay... trust me.

– I'm not okay.

– Try to get some rest, alright? We'll talk in the morning, at school, be there, okay?

02:00 am.

I just stay sat on my bed, looking at the nothing.

Just like Frank surely was at his house, in his room.

While Mikey rested unconscious on a hospital bed.

And while Gerard lay somewhere else.


	10. I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Frank's P.O.V.  
– I'm not okay – I tell Brendon through the phone, and I know I am not. It is a curious thing to be sure you are not okay, this does not happen much. Normally you just feel you are not fine, but this is as far as a step away from being sure you are unwell, both feet firmed a bad place. But I am sure now. Just yesterday I was so lost in my feelings, not understanding anything, not knowing what I was feeling... and now I am so sure.

At least I have this. At least I understand what is happening. I don't have to deal with the anguish of not knowing.

I cry so very much, but at least, apparently, it makes me tired and drains all my energy along with the tears, so eventually, I am so tired that I fall asleep.

I wake up only five hours later, but, despite having slept only few hours, I feel better, more relaxed; it really did me well to rest a little. I am awake earlier than necessary to get ready for school, but I get up already all the same and start to get ready just so I have something to concentrate on and stop my head from getting filled with thoughts about... that.

I suddenly stop, getting hit all at once with tons of thoughts about yesterday. Gerard's parents tell my parents, my parents tell me. Just like that, like a silly gossip about some silly thing someone did. It all feels so unfair. Just when we were finally making things right... It feels like the universe wants to keep us apart. We lived alongside for so long completely ignoring each other in a way, seeing only what we wanted to see, what we thought more convenient at the time. Then, when we finally start to connect, to see each other... this!

This is all so unfair. I cannot understand why this is happening to me.

I try to go back to getting dressed, putting books and notebook in the backpack, etc. But as soon as I take a step, I feel dizzy. My head is spinning. I realize I'm panting. I sit on the bed, looking straight into a point on the floor, but not really seeing anything since my vision started to get dark.

*

Sadness. I conclude. Yes, yes. I sigh very relieved. Finally I can understand what I'm feeling and it's not so despairing. Sadness is annoying, yes. But it is better than that deep anguish and despair I have been feeling. I could not help but think and think and think and think. What ifs filled me. The idea of Gerard being away devastated me. What if he is gone for very long? What if he is gone forever? What if he dies? The most part of my brain was aware of the absurdity of those suppositions, but a small part insisted on revising them and that small part screamed so loudly it was impossible for the rest of my brain to ignore. What if?

There was one that was not an imagined situation, though. Gerard was gone. That was not a "what if", that was a "what now". I guess I should know what happens now since I am living the answer right now. What happens if he is gone? This happens. Whatever is happening right now happens. But I have no idea what is happening. I understand nothing, not a thing, not even myself.

Yesterday I cried myself to sleep in anguish and despair. This morning I wake up feeling only sadness. That's better. I have never felt less will to go to school, but Brendon told me to be there; maybe there's something he wants to talk about with me.

So I'll go to school.

I try to act normal during breakfast so that my mom will not realize anything different in my humor, but it is no good. I can feel her looks on me.

So I go to school.

My mind is all numb. My body moves around but I can absolve none of the things the teacher say. I just stumble around praying that nobody speaks to me so that I don't have to say anything in answer. I'm lucky, because nobody does.

Only Brendon, during lunch, which I'm grateful for. I realize that deep inside, beneath the will to stay silent, was buried a huge will to speak nonstop. Just burst it all out. I wanted to speak even if I didn't have anything to say.

But not with just anyone. All I am craving right now is someone that would understand where I was, where I spoke from and how I felt. Someone that knew what and how I was feeling and that maybe was feeling the same.

And somehow, I felt that Brendon was that someone.

Brendon's P.O.V.

– I am worried about you – I tell Frank when we are sitting at a table on the back of the cafeteria.

– About me? It's not me you should be worrying about, it's them. Mikey came back to being asleep and Gerard... Gerard is fucking arrested.

– I am worried about you, Frank – I repeat stubbornly.

– There's nothing about me to get you worried, man, don't you understand what is happening!?

– Frank – I call and stare at his face waiting for him to make eye contact. After some seconds, he does. – You are the one that doesn't understand what is happening. What might happen with you.

– With me? I am not in danger, I didn't do anything.

– You are in danger of your own mind. Frank, I know how much you care for Gerard. I know, because I care all the same for Mikey. I realized that you like him very, very much, and I don't want you to get yourself in a funk because of what is happening. You need to take care of yourself, so that you can be strong to deal with all that that is happening. Okay? Do that for Gerard, okay? – He was silent while I spoke. – Do you understand what I'm saying?

– I guess I do.

– Good.

– Brendon?

– Yes?

– Thanks.

– No problem.

– Is it really that obvious that I feel like that for Gerard? – That makes me laugh.

– Well, I don't know, maybe it was easier for me to realize it because I was in the same situation.

– Do you like Mikey?

– Yes – I say right away, without a doubt.

– Do you like him very, very much?

– Yes.

– So much sometimes you're afraid?

I hesitate.

– Yes... – I look away, shy because of the question and because of the truth of my answer.

– So much that sometimes if feels like it might hurt you?

– Yes.

– Does it hurt?

– The fear does.

– What are you afraid of?

– That thing might not work out, you know?

– I do.

– That he might not like me the same way.

– Is this love?

– I don't know...

– Do you love Mikey?

– I don't know...

– It does seem like love, doesn't it?

– Yeah, it does. Do you feel the same with Gerard?

– Yes...

Silence.

– I can't imagine myself having the guts to tell him, though – I say.

– Me neither – Frank says. – But maybe we should.

– Yeah, I think we really should.

Silence.

Gerard's P.O.V.

I don't know why this is happening to me. Many times I ask myself, or the universe, or whatever "why me?"

The worst part is knowing I am to blame. I cannot lay the blame on anyone else, or anything. I know this is on me. It does and does not make things easier. I try to take this acknowledgement something positive, one more step towards getting in control of this... thing inside of me.

I have had anger issues for a while now. I guess since always, but it only started being a problem when I was around twelve. I would get so angry if anything did not go as I wanted it to.

I have always liked to fantasize that this issue only hurt myself. It was incredibly hard to face that it was a problem and needed solving, it was easier to just say "fuck it" –as if that helped in anything– and pretend that I was fine and that I could live the rest of my life with it. I did use to see a psychologist when I was thirteen, which helped, but did not solve the problem, mainly because I kept saying to myself that that was me, and that there was no changing it. After all, I was the only person suffering because of it... right? Wrong. Of course that was not true, but I pretended just the same. But now there was no more pretending. There is a person lying unconscious in the hospital because of me; a person whose face is almost unrecognizable because of me.

I am sitting on my bed, in my room. I have a roommate, but he is at the socialization area while he can: soon the area in which we can stay will be only the dorm wing.

I have been here for only some hour, but it was enough to know the whole place, it is not very big. It is not the worst facility, not as bad as I was afraid, but still, bad enough for me to be resolute since the first moment I stepped in that I would give my all to get out of there as soon as possible and never, ever come back.

It was pretty badly illuminated, which gave a little headache and nor very comfortable; there were a lot of benches and sofas but none of them were, in the slightest, cozy of welcoming. Neither was my bed. Also, the room was very small for two people. My roommate seemed to agree with me because he did not seem to like the idea of having to share his space with someone.

But the absolute worst were the other inhabitants. All those sad, angry, anguished faces. All those boys who had made mistakes, and were paying for them, pricey. It made me feel horrible to complain about such silly things as having a small room. Being there only made me realize how privileged I was, for having a big room for myself, for having a nice house, I nice family, parents who cared for me, friends, to go to a good school, to be able to dream, to plan a future, etc. Those boys did not have this. And to think that I was taking all that that I had for granted and risking losing it all... I was so disappointed at myself.

I put my elbows on my knees and my face on my hands. I take a deep breath in, when I hear a voice from the door.

– Well, well, look whom we have here. I heard you were coming.

And before I could breathe out the owner of the voice has a hand around my neck, pressing the fingers tightly. He presses me hard against the mattress with the weight of his heavy body lying over mine.

– Missed me?

– B—


	11. I Don't Love You

Frank's P.O.V.

The deal was that he only had to stay in there for a week. The reformatory has visiting day once a week, but we would not have an opportunity to visit him, because he would be checking out on the visiting day, which was even better, right? I guess it was.

The deal was that he only had to stay for a week if he behaved. Any problems he caused there would cause him to stay for longer. And two days before visiting day, comes the news

– I'm sorry, Frank. He'll need to stay for a little bit longer. – Gerard's parents told my parents, who told me.

Gerard causing problems. That did not seem right. I know, he did have anger issues and no one agreed with me that it was an absurdity to think that Gerard was having fights with the other inmates. Everybody thought he was a troubled kid who would always be causing problems and picking fights, even though they did not say it aloud.

I disagree. It seem to me absurd that Gerard would be picking fights. This is very strange. Gerard is not dumb, he would realize pretty fast that he only had to stay quiet for a week and he would be free. He would throw that away fighting and having to stay for longer.

What is happening, Gerard?

*

Visiting day finally comes, and Gerard parents see no problem in taking me along. It makes me a little sad every time I remember that we should be going to pick him to bring him home, not going to visit him. But it is better than nothing. At least I have a chance to talk to him, maybe tell him what I was talking about with Brendon. Maybe it will help him deal with life in that place.

*

– I was talking with Brendon about something, and I thought that maybe I should tell you. Maybe it will help you go through these hard times. You are not alone, we are here, I am here for you, Gerard. I really like you, you are more than a friend, more than a brother, you always have been.

He was strangely quiet all the while. Just staring in my direction but not at me; his left eye, surrounded by dark purple skin just looking at behind me, like he was not seeing me.

There's a glass between us and we talk through a phone so red it is actually more bright than the orange of the suit Gerard –and all the other inmates– wears.

– I can't imagine myself without you, Gerard. – I continue. – I hope you get out soon. I was talking to Brendon, I don't if it is right to say it is... if it's love, but, I don't know, I... – I take a breath in, getting ready to say it to him, say to him that I love him.

He interrupts me, saying something for the first time.

*

I stay silent the whole way back home. Mr. Way asks me if everything is alright, but I cannot tell him the truth, I can only bounce my head up and down and say yes, all good. But Gerard's voice echoes inside my head repeating the last –and only– thing he told me before he stood up and left me alone with the red bright phone. "Frank, I don't love you."

*

– Wh-what? – Is all I can formulate.

– You heard me, Frank. Don't make me repeat it – he says, incredibly serious, not transmitting any emotion – please. – I can swear I hear him saying.

– I don't, I don't understand...

– Hey! Security! – Gerard calls the guard. – My visit is over.

– Are you sure? There's still a lot of time left.

– Yes, I am sure. My visit's over. And I don't want any more visits today – he says as he gets up and leaves. I can only see him leaving through a door, going back into whatever other room there was in that building. Anywhere that was not the visiting room. He left so quickly I could barely process what just happened.

Well, that didn't go as expected. I understand nothing. What is happening? I go all the way back home, on the back seat of Mr. and Mrs. Way's car just staring pointlessly through the window. I do not understand anything. I do not understand what Gerard told me, I do not understand why she told me that and most importantly, I do not understand why he was acting so weird.

It all seems like a dream. Or better, a nightmare. But it does not seem real. It feels like it has never happened and I created the whole thing in my head. Well, I guess it would have been better if I really had only imagined it all. But I did not. I know I did not. I know it was real. But I don't understand why. Why? Why, Gerard? What do you mean?

When I get home, all I can say to my parents, as they ask me how did everything went, is "yeah, he seems to be doing fine."

I hurry up to my room. All I want to do is lie down and stay under the sheets for as longs as it takes for all of this to be over, all of this chaos, all of this mess. I just want to lie down and wait for everything to go back to normal.

I get to my bedroom; I lie down on the bed and just stare at the ceiling. There must be an explanation to all of this. He seemed to be doing fine, didn't he? He was normal.

Or was he?

Have his right eye always been dark like that? Darker than the left one? Was that some kind of bruise? Was he hurt? Did someone hurt him?

Who?

*

Brendon: Pls, talk to me.

Brendon: You know, you need to talk about it

Brendon: Whatever it is...

Brendon: Talking helps

He is right. I don't feel like it, but I know I should talk... about stuff.

Talk about what?| – send.

Brendon: about where have you been all these days, for a start.

Killing class, pretending I was going to school to my parents, but then just coming back as soon as they left and spending the whole day lying in bed for the last three days.

Idk, around... It's just a coincidence we haven't seen each other around there| – send.

Brendon: Do you take me for stupid or what?

Brendon: I'm serious, Frank

Brendon: TALK

Brendon: TO ME

Ok... Come here| – send.

And I'll talk| – send.

I promise to try, at least| – send.

*

– So, I'll just say it straight away. I think he's being beaten up. Or he was beaten up, at least. Maybe he's being bullied – I tell Brendon, who is sitting next to me, on my bed.

– Wow... ok, why do you think that?

– He was strange. He was acting weird.

– Weird how?

– Weird like... he told me he didn't... like me. And then just left. And he was all silent all the time. He just said that and then left. Also he got punched in the face.

– Are you sure?

– Yes, I am. His eye was bruised.

– Gee, this is harsh. If only there was something we could do to help.

– Yeah... if only...


	12. I Gave You My Bullets, You Gave Me Your Love

Frank's P.O.V.

Panic: He'll be out in a few days...

Panic: It'll be ok

You haven't heard?| – send.

Panic: ...what?

My mom was talking to Mrs. Way...| – send.

He'll be staying one more week|– send.

Panic: WHAT?!

Something happened again| – send.

Panic: This is all too weird

Panic: What the fuck is happening?

What is happening is that I| – erase.

What is happening is|

What is happening is that we don't know Gerard as well as we thought we did| – send.

Panic: What?...

Panic: What are you saying?

Maybe he is aggressive, maybe he is not that smart| – send.

He's getting into fights because he wants, no one gets forced to do that| – send.

Panic: What the fuck are you saying, dude, maybe there's something serious happening...

I turn my phone's screen off. Sometimes I think I just can't anymore, this is all too much. Sometimes talking about it is too much to bear.

I feel and hear my phone vibrating, certainly it's Brendon, but I just don't feel like answering it.

I guess I was just being stupid, creating a whole explanation to avoid the truth that has been told right to my face. Gerard and me, this is not real, this is not a thing, and never will, I just made it all up in my mind. And when I was told otherwise I just invented some crazy history to deny it. Someone pressing him to say that? That's insane. I really need to snap out of it.

I just hope this is all over soon. I hope he gets out of that place already, that he goes back to his normal life, and I go back to mine, maybe we can go back to being friends and pretend like none of that happened.

Brendon's P.O.V

I'm worried about Mikey and I'm worried about Gerard, how did the Way brothers get into all of this mess?

And now I can't help but worry about Frank.

He's not making any sense.

I truly fear for him, one time he is certain of something, then on the next minute he convinced of the opposite. And he doesn't speak, he just keeps it all in. I just hope he does not end exploding with all that in his head.

Oh, god, I wonder if these boy's lives are always this crazy or was I lucky enough to arrive right when everything started to get upside down?

On the following morning, the first thing I do is ask my mom if I can go visit Gerard, she says that I have to ask Mrs. Way, so before heading to school I pass by the Ways' house. Mrs. Ways is a little surprised by the early visitor, but I can tell she is glad to see that her children have close friends who worry and take care (or try at least) of them.

"Sure, honey," is what she answers, "visiting starts at 2pm, so you can come here by one thirty and we'll drive there." She said kindly. "Okay?" She added. "Yeah, yes. Thank you." I answered. She gave me a sad smile. It must be so hard for her, if it's been difficult for us, imagine for their parents. One kid on the hospital and the other stuck on the reformatory.

Classes pass by, just as it has been at school these days: things passing by, or me passing by things, aloof. Frank has been the weirdest, we hardly encounter each other around, when we do, he hardly speaks. I think he has skipping classes, even though he won't admit. It feels like everything is falling apart.

I figure I need to talk with someone about all of this, to help me process it all, so I end up bursting it all out to Josh.

Josh: Dude, don't you wanna come and sleep over?

You know what? That sounds like a great idea| – send.

Yeah, sure, meet you soon| – send.

Not long after that, I am at Josh's house. We go to his room and talk about crazy things that have been happening.

– Dude, everything is so upside down right now, you have no idea.

He smiles a little.

– Tell me – he says. So I do, I tell him, I start talking everything that happened in the last weeks, at least everything that I know of.

– ...and now Gerard –he's the friend of Frank, remember Frank, right? From the party...–, now Gerard is in the reformatory because he punched Bert.

Josh's eyes open wide with surprise.

– Oh, my god, Bert?

– Yeah, crazy, right? But I mean, he didn't just punch Bert, he really went to him, he was totally out of himself. And now he's in the reformatory. And then he just said the weirdest thing to Frank. They were really close and all, and I was sure they were becoming a thing, you know? But he cut Frank off, like totally changed the way he treats him. And Frank of course is devastated, which makes me worry about Frank too.

– That's so fucked up, oh, my god. Wow... I'm sorry, I don't know what to say... – he says laughing nervously.

– It's alright, I don't either.

Then I told him more about Frank, about how he changed his view suddenly, about how he, at first, was sure Gerard was being bullied, about the bruises and all, and about then, all of a sudden, he was sure it had been him who had got it wrong.

It felt good to be finally able to talk to someone about it. The only person with which I had been talking to these days was Frank, but of course it was not the same. Frank is, too, absorbed into all of that –more than me–, so I couldn't really unburden with him.

*

– Let's go? – Mrs. Way says to me coming down the stairs. I stand up from the couch.

– Sure, let's go.

Not twenty minutes later we were already there, in some sort of waiting room. A few minutes later they let us go to the room where the visiting actually happened. I stayed at a corner while Mrs. and Mr. Way went to where Gerard was, I didn't want to get into the family moment. Not five minutes later they went to where I was. "We'll let you talk, we can talk to him later" Mrs. Way told me with a sympathetic smile. "We have one full hour of visiting" she added.

I answered with a smile and a timid "okay, thanks" and headed to Gerard.

*

– Can I just ask you about... about Rob?

– You mean Bert... That's how he used to be called, at least.

– Well, you have met... clearly – I say laughing. – What was that all about? – I can see the subject makes Gerard sad, but he does not complain, he just hesitates for a second, but seems fine to answer the question.

– We... – he takes a deep breath in and out – not only have met, we dated. For a while, actually.

– Oh, wow...

– But it was not good, you know? It was not healthy. He was not healthy to me. At the time we went to the same school, we met soon after I entered the school and soon after that we were... getting involved. I was always hanging out with him, in and out of school, my life was being with him. I always felt like I was too attached to him, way more than he was to me, you know. But of course nobody knew we were dating, for everyone we were just friends. Because of me, he talked about us being openly dating and all, but I always insisted it should be a secret, I was so afraid of what would happen if people knew.

He pause for a second.

– But then... – he continued, and I realized his eyes were bright with tears. – He thought it wouldn't be a big deal to tell some of his friends from out of school, they were okay, and no one in school would ever know, so what's the matter, he said. But then someone at school somehow knew, and told other people who told other people, and then a lot of people knew. I suffered bullying – a tear rolled down – for a while. I was lucky it didn't spread to the whole school so eventually people forgot about it, and it never got to my parents, or my brother.

– Oh, my god, I am so sorry, Gerard. But didn't he say anything about it, about the bullying and all, didn't he step in?

– Well, he did say something. One time, in the middle of the hallway, not very far from me I heard him saying to some people that... he said that that faggot was so obsessed with him, but of course, he didn't want anything, and that was why they stopped being friends.

– Dude, I am so sorry.

– That's okay.

– I had no idea.

– You couldn't've known. It's fine. I just hope that he is a better person now, you know?

– Yeah, me too.

We stay in silence for a moment.

– Frank is acting all weird – I started after a while –, I'm starting to worry about him. – Gerard didn't say anything. – He... um, he told me... about the talk you had when he came visiting...

– What now? You are all best friends now? – He was upset.

– Well, we have helped each other... you know, in dealing with all that's happened.

– And what do you have to deal with, Brendon. Everything is good with you – he seem to hesitate to say the last words of the sentence, as if regretting even starting it, but he doesn't say it, he just looks angry and upset to the ground. One eye is almost completely closed because of the bruise.

– Gerard... – I call. He seems not to be listening to me, but I know he is. – What is happening?

He stays the way he is for some moments. Then he looks at me, serious.

– I... – his voice is breaking. He goes back to looking at the floor. At this moment a blond guy pass behind him and greets him with a smiling "hey, Gee" and a pat on his shoulder which makes Gerard shudder a little violently, I'd say. Right after that he looks at me again. – Nothing's happening.

– Is you shoulder hurt too?

– No, why?

– It startled you when he patted on it...

– Oh, yeah, yeah, it is a little bruised too.

– Are you sure? – How does one forget a bruise? – Was it because of the pain or was it... – because of fear? He didn't let me finish the question.

– Yes, Brendon, of course, it was pain. Nothing is happening, nothing. What is happening is that you're getting all the visiting time we have and my parents won't be able to talk to me.

I was silent.

– Just leave already. Guards!

– Okay, okay, no need to call the guards, I'm leaving, don't worry.

I got up, went to the corner his parents were and told them they could go and talk to him now.

*

– Of one thing I am sure – I tell Josh, who is sitting on a chair while I'm lying on his bed. – That is not Gerard.

– Was it that bad?

I scoff.

– Was it?

My phone chimes, it's Frank texting me.

Frankie(ro): Urgh, FINALLY some good news

Frankie(ro): I thought nothing good would ever happen again.

What?| – send.

Frankie(ro): Haven't you heard? Mikey woke up

*

I was filled with bliss the whole way to the hospital. I got there as fast as I could. When I got there, I saw that Frank was already there.

– What's up?

– His parents are in the room, the doctor say it's better for me to wait to enter after them, so there doesn't get crowded.

*

– I'm feeling really well now, I think there's no risk of me getting back to being unconscious – Mikey tells me and Frank.

– Good! – I say.

– When will you be able to get out.

– The doctor wants to let me in observation for a couple days, of course. But after that I'll be free, finally.

Frank and I smile in contentment with the news.

– And... where's Gerard? – Mikey addresses the elephant in the room.

None of us answer.

– Guys, where's my brother?

Being the most careful we can, we explain to him everything that happened, that Gerard is in the reformatory, and had to stay one more week because of a fight... and then again...

We were afraid the news would come as a shock and make Mikey get worse, but fortunately, it didn't happen, he seemed to process things well.

– So that's his last chance – Mikey says.

– What? – I ask.

– If he causes another problem he'll have to get in for real, like checked in. There won't be any more "one week warning" or however they call it.

– Is this for real? – Frank asks.

– Yeah. I don't remember the name, but anyways, if he behaves, he'll finish his week... well, his third week, but if gets into anymore problems, he'll have to get into a kind of treatment. They can last some months.

– Months?! – Frank almost screams.

– But hey, it'll be okay, he'll be okay. Let's just pray everything ends up fine.

– I'm an atheist – Frank says with a nervous smile, to cut the ice.

We laugh.

– Yeah, me too – Mikey says.

– We all are – I say.

– So let's pray that Gerard is not depending on our prayers – Mikey jokes.

We laugh. Nervous and worried laughter, but at least still laughter.

When we are about to leave I see Rob at the door of Mikey's room. He checked out soon after the occurrence that made him check in in the first place. He was here to visit Mikey, somehow he heard the news that Mikey had woken up. He and Mikey quickly greet each other; check on if the other is doing fine and all that.

I tell Rob that I would like to talk to him for a moment, so we go to a reserved place, where we can talk alone. I tell him about what Gerard told me earlier today, he seems embarrassed and ashamed.

– Is it true?

– Yes, it is. It's all true and I am so sorry for all of that. I really am. I am so ashamed of all the pain I caused him. I understand that he hates me, that's fine, I deserve it. But I changed, Brendon. I did, I am not that kind of person anymore. I'd never do anything like that again. I swear.

– It's okay, I believe you.

– Thanks.

We stay silent for a second.

– I could never forget about it – he says. – Every now and then I catch myself reliving all that, these memories haunt me, you know? They are always remembering me of all the harm I've caused. I was such a jerk to Gerard. I brought him spikes that ripped his heart, while all he had to bring me was his innocent, care... and love.

– Wow, that's... deep.

– Yes, that's the truth. I brought him bullets, he brought me his love.

– Maybe one day he'll forgive you.

– Yeah, maybe one day he will.


	13. Sleep

Gerard's P.O.V.

Two weeks earlier

– Well, well, look whom we have here. I heard you were coming. Missed me?

– B... – I can't speak, his grip is too tight.

– What? Oh, am I holding too tight? – He asks mockingly. I'm lying upwards and he has his whole body over mine; he faces me. – Is it too tight? – He asks again, but of course not waiting any response since he is seeing that I can't say anything. He stays like that staring at me for a while before finally loosening the grip.

I cough, desperate for some air.

– Awn, so cute – he said, again mockingly. – Ugh, you've never stopped being dramatic, by the looks of it, Gerard.

– Fu- Fuck... Fuck you, Bob – I struggle to say.

– Hm, love you too – Bob says with a smile.

Brendon's P.O.V

Present day

– So, what is it? – I ask Josh when we get to my room.

– I know someone that works there, at the reformatory.

– Who is it?

– She's my best friend's girlfriend.

– But what exactly would she do?

– I don't know, maybe I can talk to her, explain what happened... actually what we think might be happening, and maybe she can try to keep an eye on things in there, see if she notices anything...

– But will she be able to be close to Gerard?

– Well, no, I believe there are only male cops dealing directly with the inmates in the boys wing.

– But that building has both boys and girls, so it must not be very difficult for her to try and get some information or I don't know.

I sigh. This doesn't seem very helpful.

– It's not much, I'm sorry... – Josh says.

– No, it's a lot, thank you.

– So I guess we don't want to lose time, right? I'll try to talk to text her right now.

– Do that, I'll tell Frank.

Gerard's P.O.V

Before

So, that was my encounter with my roommate. Someone that I, unfortunately, have already met.

We have been friends, some time ago. Bob was part of our group. At a time, he got to a point where I had him as my best friend. I liked him, I thought he liked me too, all of us. I trusted him.

At one point I think I started to develop feeling for him...

God, I am grateful I didn't tell him, or anyone about this.

There was this time we were hanging out at his house, only the two of us, and I let it slip that I found him pretty.

It didn't take him more than the other day to have the rumor that I was gay and in love with him spread out. I denied vehemently and since he was usually talking shit about everyone, everyone believed me and forgot about it.

And that was another thing, he was usually talking shit about everyone. And lying. You know that thing that people say? That if someone talks shit about other people to you a lot, they probably talk shit about you to other people. Well, that seemed to be the case.

Other than that, he every once in a while made some comments that were not very friendly. Be it about women, or LGBT people, or black people... At the time, none of us really understood very well how bad those comments were, so we never opposed them... I still regret not saying anything, when I look back at it.

But what really made our friendship fall to pieces was when he started hanging out with some guys that did these same kind of things, they were basically a worse version of Bob, and their company, of course, made Bob worse. So we just stopped hanging out, and he stopped talking to us completely.

Later, he changed school and we never had contact anymore ever since.

Until now.

Now, I'm having more contact with him than I've ever wished.

So then the days went by. Bob was always keeping an eye on my, he was always close. Always announcing to everyone that I was his, that no one should mess with me and that meant implicitly that I should mess with anyone.

He had this idea of having possession over people. He certainly was the biggest bully in there. Everybody feared him deeply, or strangely respected him, or both respected and feared him. He always acted as if he was superior to everyone, even those who appeared to be –what could be called– friends.

Since our first encountering, I expected the worst from him. But it never came. Maybe that was his strategy, to let people nurture so much fear of him that he didn't even need to do anything, they would just be afraid that he might, so they obeyed.

I tried to stay the furthest I could from him, which wasn't much since he was all the time coming to me.

– You should be glad, Gee. – He said one day, when we were in our cell, it was past the time on which we had to be in them. – I'd never do to you what I do to some of the other guys. You know, the punching and all... – I was at the shelves where we kept our clothes and some personal things we were allowed to keep. He stepped very close to me, his body was almost touching mine, I could sense. – Or maybe I would... – he said and laughed.

I got goosebumps. I know he is not bluffing, I know he would.

– I like you, Gee! Think of you as my... prime minister here – then he took another step closer, now his body was pressing mine against the shelves. I then felt his breath on my ear. He whispered right in my ear – or maybe, like... you know, the first lady.

I heard him laughing and walking towards the bunker bed. I was frizzed, only many seconds later could I turn to see him lied on the down bunker. I was startled, I was frightened. I was scared.

I had been expecting the worst from him since day one, but now worst I was expecting became worse.

What did he mean? Was all I could think of. Of course I knew what he meant. But I just couldn't think of it. I was so afraid because, knowing the kind of person he had always been and seeing the kind of person he's become, I know for a fact his is capable of anything.

That makes me wonder whether he hasn't already done something like that here with someone else...

I was afraid he'd try to do something like that with me.

But during all the time we have spent locked in this place, fortunately he hasn't.

Well, there was only that one time...

Frank's P.O.V

Present day

– So she's a cop? – I ask.

– Yeah – Brendon's friend, Josh, answers. – I thought that maybe she could try to keep an eye on him or something, or maybe ask some friend of her that have full access to the boys wing... I don't know, something like that.

– Do you guys think that could help? – I ask. I'm trying not to fall straight into the hope that this will magically solve everything. The last thing that I need or want right now is to create false hope...

– I don't know... – Josh says.

– I think it might help – Brendon says. – Maybe we she can discover if he has really suffered bullying by any of the other boys, or even some of the cops even...

Gerard's P.O.V.

Before

It was lunch time, no sign of Bob, he was probably out in the court posing as some Emperor or whatever he thought he was, like he used to do.

I was still intrigued by the thought I had two days ago after the what Bob whispered in my ear.

What if he has done something like that to someone here?

I figured someone might be able to answer me that.

There was this guy I had noticed always eats alone, in the corner, he seems more afraid than I am in this place. I got my food and headed to the table he was in to try and talk to him. He sure didn't look like someone who would know everything about the place, but it was something. There was no way I could ask something like that to one of the guys who were close to Bob, they would tell Bob straight away and that sound like more trouble to me.

When the little guy saw me sitting on the same table as him he immediately moved to get up and leave.

– Hey, don't go, please.

He was suspicious. Was he thinking I was up to some trap?

After a second of suspicious looks at me, he sat again, still seeming afraid. We started to talk and I discovered his name was Al.

– Hey, relax, I won't hurt you. I just want to ask you some things.

– About what?

– About that guy... Bob... you know? – He shook a little at the sound of the name. – He seems to mess a lot with... everyone around here, right? Do you know if he has ever, like, forced someone to do something... with him? Like... sex related?

Al stayed quiet for a moment.

– I don't understand what you want.

– Al, please tell me if you know anything. Has Bob ever raped anyone here?

– I don't know – he said and looked down. – But... – I heard him murmur.

– But what?

– I believe he... I think he has done something to my friend.

Friend? I've never seen Al even talking to anyone in here.

– Who's your friend?

– He's not here anymore. He left.

– What happened? When he was still here?

– Bob always picked on him, very much. One day he started punching him, I never knew why. Maybe there wasn't a reason, he just seems to enjoy doing that. I mean, punching people. So one day he was beating Nick, that's my friend's name. Then he took him to the bathroom and told one of his friends to watch the entrance and not let anyone in. I only heard Nick scream "stop". Then the guy guarding the door told me to go away or I'd be the next. – He pauses for a moment. – After that Nick was different, he stayed silent all the time, barely ate. The only thing that he spoke in a whole week was "it hurts", but he never said where. – Al stops speaking, and I wouldn't ask him to speak more.

I reached for his hand.

– Hey. I'm sorry.

He looked at me and gave a quick sad smile. Then he looked at somewhere behind me and immediately changed his expression, he suddenly was again looking down, like he was alone. I looked back and saw Bob coming in the hall. I hurried to the opposite side of that table, and started eating. Me and Al were as far as the table allowed from each other so that it didn't seem that we were talking or eating together.

I heard steps approaching and then heard Bob's voice behind me.

– What are you doing eating here with this faggot?

– Um, there weren't more places available when I arrived. – Bob looked around the hall. There were a few available places on the place.

He looked at me with his eyebrows arched.

– Oh, and um, I didn't think the other guys would want me eating with them...

He laughed.

– What are you talking about, you're my protected, of course they want your company. – Then he spoke with a lower voice, loud enough to only me, and probably Al, to hear. – After all, you're my first lady, aren't you?

He put his hand on the back of my neck.

– Aren't you? – He repeated the question?

– Um, yes, yes I am. – He laughed and passed the hand through my hair. – Good. – Then he came back to his normal loud voice tone. – Just come already. – And walked away. I stood up, Al and I looked at each other quickly, I followed Bob and ate the rest of my food in a table with him and others.

I ate fast and ass soon as I finished I said the food was making me sick, so I was going to the bedroom lie for a while.

I spent pretty much all day long in the bedroom, falling asleep and waking up again.

That night, as the guards started telling everyone to go into their bedrooms, I was belly down on the down bunker trying to concentrate in some comics Bob had. Then I felt, once again, Bob's body pressing mine.

– Do you know what I heard today?

– What? – I murmur.

– I heard that someone was talking to that little fag during lunch today. And do you know what I did?

– No...

– I asked one of my men to go and kindly ask him what they were talking about.

I shudder.

– Yes?

– Yes. And I was surprised –well, not that surprised actually– to discover that someone was being nosey about me and the stuff I do... I understand someone is interest about my... say, sex life...

Fuck.

– Then I get to my room and find you lying on my bed. I'm starting to think that you are asking...

– Asking for what? – I almost stutter.

He again goes to my ear and whispers.

– Oh, you know what...

Then I feel him pulling my pants down. When I try to move he uses his body weight to prevent me. I feel him pulling my underwear down as well and I feel despair growing in me like I never felt before.

– Please... – I whisper. He grabs my neck and presses very hard.

I feel the cold touch of his skin on my so I know he has put his pants down too.

Feeling pain in my neck, despair inside of me, anticipating the pain I am about to feel, I don't know from where I get the strength to push him away from me. I gather all the strength I have in me. The next thing I know, he is lying on the ground next to the bed. Laughing nonetheless.

– You're stronger than I thought, huh. Well that might make things more interesting... Now get the fuck out of my bed.

I climb to the top bunk bed as fast as I can. He says no more, just lies down and falls asleep, something that I wish I could do.


	14. My Way Home Is Through You

Gerard's P.O.V

Before

The next day I woke up to the sound of Bob going through my things and humming and mumbling. "Huh, cute" he would say, or "he really doesn't have taste", or "gosh, pathetic".

– I thought we shouldn't be nosey on each other's things – I say getting off of bed. He turns around and scoffs but has a serious stare at me. He walks slowly towards me.

– You are getting really bold, aren't you? – He gets very close to me, making me press my back against the wall. – Let me tell you something: don't. It's for your own good. Let's not forget who's in charge here, shall we? – I immediately regret even opening my mouth. He puts his arm on my neck, pressing it against the wall. – Did I make myself clear? – I am too afraid to say anything, so I just stay quiet. He increases the pressure. – Did. I. Make. Myself. Clear? – I cannot reach to speak. – I made you a FUCKING question. – And as he screams the word onto my face, he grabs me by the shoulders and push me strongly against the wall, focusing his strength on one of my shoulders, which hit the wall very hard and aches on the back from the hit on the wall and on the front because of his tight grip.

He hit my shoulder once again, and for the third time. I grunted with pain. I expected the fourth hit, but it seemed like, for some reason, he stopped himself. Then he looked tenderly to me, which was somehow scarier than when he looked with anger, and caressed my cheek. And then he spit on my face. He caressed it again, and hit it with the back of his hand.

– I'll let it pass this time, Gee. This time. Only because I'm in a good mood. It's always good to remember our good ol' fellas – he said those last words with a forced accent and laughed at his own impersonation. I was confused, I did not understand what he meant by that. But then I did. I understood what he meant when he showed me the picture of Frank I kept within my stuff.

I froze at the sight of him holding the picture next to the face with a sadistic grin.

– I have a quest for you. What do you say? A little adventure. What do you say? – He repeats the question taking a step towards me and I finally make some sound out of fright.

– Wh- What is it? – I speak after what seemed hours silent. I fell my throat hoarse.

– You must really like that Frank boy, don't you? – He says "that Frank boy" as if he didn't know Frank very well, as if they hadn't been friends for years. – You two seem fit for each other. Two pathetic faggots, aw so cute. How about a little acting challenge. Soon is vising day. He will come to visit you won't he?

– He... I don't... I'm here only for a week, I'll be out in visiting day.

– Oh, is that so? – He said in a tone that showed he was not surprised at all. – Why is there something that tells me we'll be seeing each other for a little longer?

– I'm here only for a week... – I repeat meekly.

– Except if you make some trouble, isn't that so?

– Yeah... – I say not quite understand where this is going.

– Well, so you better not be picking any fights around here, Gee, take it easy – he says as if I was the troublemaker.

He left, leaving me confused and afraid.

But my confusion did not take long to be resolved.

Later that day, when we were in the cafeteria at lunch time, I searched for a place far from Bob's friends, as usual, and, as usual, struggled to find one. So, since I stayed a little too long standing in the middle of the cafeteria looking stupidly around, one of his friends saw me and told me to sit at the table with them. Right after me the guy who seemed to be the closest to Bob (Rick I believe is his name) arrived at the table and told me that I shouldn't worry because Bob would soon be there too. Exactly the reason why I worried.

I noticed Rick's hand was red with blood. Like he had punched someone, which was so probable I took as a fact.

He was right, Bob didn't take long to show up. But he didn't sit, he just stood behind me, I could feel him there. Then he put his face next to mine and whispered in my ear.

– But really, you two do seem fit for each other.

I shivered at the feeling of his breath in my ear. Then I felt my blood boiling hearing him talking about Frank.

– I remember you two have always been so, so close. It was cute, really, the way you were always sniffing each other's asses.

I shook my head to try to make him go away.

– You are so perfect for each other that it's sad to think how he must be devastated out there, without you. But you know I have my contacts on the outside. Maybe I could make you two together again, what do you think? I mean, I can bring him in here.

That was it. That was all I could take. The thought of him laying one finger on Frank, or any of his... people. It was all I could take.

– Don't you even go near him! – I say angrily getting up in a jump and going to punch Bob in the face. But just as I drew my fist up, Bob had been thrust backwards and landed on a table, throwing plates and food of the people sitting there onto the floor.

– HEY! – A deep voice of a security guard shouted from the entrance. Soon there were three guards around us. – What is happening here?

– I didn't do anything! It was him.

– What happened?

– I don't know. This guy is crazy, he hates me. I never did anything to him.

– Easy. Can someone tell me what happened already?

– He's a psycho!

– Cut the crap, Bob, you're not an angel.

I was silent all the time, I just couldn't think of anything to say.

– He just hit me out of nowhere. And pushed me.

Then I saw it, he had been punched in the face. I immediately looked to Rick, he had his hands in his pockets.

Fucking bastards.

– Is that true? – The guard asked me, I could see in his face that he didn't believe in Bob and was praying that I would be capable of defending myself.

– I... that's not... no...

– I saw it – someone said.

– Yeah, we were here, we saw it. Bob's telling the truth.

It was all of Bob's pack, which was a lot. They were all backing his story. What was my word worth against fifteen, give or take?

They took me and dragged me to the director's office, as I tried to process everything.

– No, that's not, that's not... true. I didn't... It wasn't me – I stuttered.

I was a little numb and did not really respond to things, just went by, following the guards or rather being dragged. There wasn't much to be said in the director's office either. He reminded me that I was to be there for a week, unless I "failed to show good behavior, presented aggressive behavior or engaged in fights with either personnel or fellow inmates." Then he told me that there wasn't anything anyone could do and that I was to stay for another week.

I went from there straight to my room. A while later Bob entered.

– Oh, Gee, what did I tell you? You shouldn't be picking fights, you were so close to going home.

My blood would be boiling and I would be totally angry normally, but I was still kind of numb and in shock, so I just stayed still, sat on my bed.

– Why did you do that? – I managed to say after a while.

– Um, I don't know. Maybe to give you more opportunities to be more gentle with me. You haven't been behaving a lot lately.

He wants me to play his game. I guess I don't have options other than pleasing him.

– So, what is the quest you have for me?

– Huh... there you go, that's my boy. As I was saying, Frank will probably come visit you. Cut him off.

– What?

– Push him away. Tell him whatever it takes for him to forget you.

– What? Why?

– Because, Gee – Hearing him calling me that makes me shudder. – You are mine. And I don't like sharing.

*

"Frank, I don't love you." I had nightmares about that. I would see myself saying that to Frank from above and try to tell him not to believe that. I would scream that it was a lie. But Frank wouldn't hear me, only the other me, the one saying those words, standing up and leaving. That would happen on a loop. I saw myself standing and leaving, then there I was again, sitting in front of Frank and repeating the sentence to him.

Present day

– Who is that? – I whisper to Al. He looks at where I'm indicating with my eyes. He shrugs.

– Dunno.

– Weird. I thought there were only male guards in the boys wing.

Al shrugs again. I am looking sideways the most discreetly I can at the female security guard that is standing near the entrance of the eating hall. At one point, she looks in my direction and I quickly look away, hoping she wasn't looking at me. I take quick peaks after some minutes and she seems to be still looking in my direction. Oh, god, the last thing I need right now is a guard pursuing me; to be chased by other inmates is enough... well, the other inmate, but anyways.

I quickly finish eating.

– Let's go to the patio – I say to Al, who hasn't eaten at all.

– I don't think it's a good idea for us to be seen walking around together... – he says.

– Yeah, you're probably right. – I think for a second. – Let's do it this way: I'll go to the bathroom, and then from there I go outside to the patio, we meet there.

– Alright.

I stand up and head to the bathroom the fastest, yet most discreet, I can and after a couple of minutes, I get out. The bathroom is on the opposite side of the exit to the patio so now I have to pass all the way to the other side of the room, again, as fast and discreetly as I can. I take a peak from the corner I am and try to spot Bob; he is not here yet. It'll be worse if I go to the patio and meet him there. So I just stay put for a while. I don't need to stay there much longer, one or two minutes later I see Bob entering the hall, while he is in the line to get food –luckily with his back turned– I hurry to get to the exit. After getting out I still take a fast peak and see him distractedly chatting. I feel an enormous relief and head to the patio.

Al and I just sit on one of the benches and stay there chilling for a moment.

– Fuck, it feels like I'm trapped here for centuries! – I say.

– Tell me about it... – Al says in that subtle, calm way of his, what makes me wonder how does a guy like him end up in this place.

– You never told me how you got here – I observe.

– Um...

– So, who did you kill? – I say jokingly.

Al stays quiet for a moment.

– There were these guys... at school. Who always picked up on me and... on my friend.

– Nick?

– Yeah, him.

– So, what happened?

He gets quiet. Not just for a moment. He stays quiet.

Maybe it was not very subtle of me to bring this subject up. It is okay if he does not want to talk about it.

– Hey, it's alright. Forget it.

Then we stay silent for the next minutes and I get lost in my thoughts, looking at nowhere. When I get back to reality, I realize that same guard is by gate of the patio looking at me, but when I look at her, she looks in another direction, walk around as if she is just around checking if everything is in order.

When I see her looking at me, I feel goosebumps on my neck. Why is she so obsessed with me? I can only pray it is not more trouble for me.

Soon will be time for us to go back to our rooms, so I decide to go already, so that I don't need to get into the whole crowd of inmates walking slowly towards the rooms wings.

I get to the wing where my room is located, a corridor on the second floor; to the right, doors; to the left, a parapet. My room is at the end of the corridor, so I have to walk along that big hallway. I'm alone, except for the guards that are here and there. They are standing still on their posts, so the environment has a very still atmosphere.

When I'm about the halfway the hallway, I notice something in the corner of my eye. I look back and see the same guard that was in the eating hall entering the hallway. I try not to freak out, but I was certainly caught by a fright. I hurry my pace, but before I could get to my door I hear her voice behind me.

– Hey, you! Not so fast. Come with me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. What did I do now?

I turn around.

– I didn't do anything. Why are you following me everywhere?

She walks towards me and doesn't stop until she is very close.

I swallow hard.

– I didn't do anything, I swear.

– I know you didn't.

I am very confused. I don't understand why she is here, on the boys wing. Or why she is following me.

– Who are you? – I reach to ask.

– Your way home.


	15. Cubicles

Gerard's P.O.V

– What!? – I said when we were inside the small room she led me into. It looked like a room used as an office long ago, but that now was used only as some sort of deposit.

– Yes. It's a bit to take, I know.

– So you... came here... to help me... get out?

– Yes.

– How? I mean, boys wing...

– They were short on staff here so they put some of the staff of other units here – she seemed a bit distracted for a moment with the subject; she talked with a small smile like the subject had something of funny in it. – Rearranged things a bit, and I made sure I would be coming here with the changes – she continued, the smile broadening a little. – Anyways, Gerard! – She came back to the serious expression. – It doesn't matter right now.

– Yeah, right. So what's... the plan?

– Well, actually there isn't much we have to do. I could see right away that that Bob dude is really obsessed with you, right?

– How do you know that? I mean, you haven't been here long...

– It's not very hard to notice, and besides I talked to some of the guards about the inmates and all that and they all agreed that this Bob is the worst in here. And some even told me they could notice his "thing" with you.

I sigh.

– So – she continues. – He made you look guilty in a fight twice already, right?

– Yes.

– I suppose he is planning to do that once again, he know he only need to do that one more time and you'll have to stay a lot longer in here. So the plan is: I'll always keep an eye on you, always be around, so when he does that I'll be close to be a witness against him. I honestly don't know how he manages to be believed if everyone seems to agree he is the biggest troublemaker here, but anyways, he can't compete with the word of a security guard...

Oh, gosh, I hope you're right.

Apparently, she was. Time passed by quietly. Things were calm and chill, even Bob was chill... maybe too chill. He had always that attitude of being in control of everything, like he ran the place. And knowing that was supposed to be my last week in this place, he being walking around like he is in control of the situation included he being in control of my situation. Either he would let go of me finally or he was so calm because he knew he had me in his hands and that he had only to as much as snap his fingers to have me locked up in there for longer.

Of course the second option was the most likely.

And only the thought of that made me shiver. More than ever Bob made me afraid. Now more than ever because before it felt like I was on a road that headed straight down, and Bob was just another element that came into picture to make my ride more miserable; but as miserable as he could make me, I had nothing to be lost. He'd increase my pain, my discomfort, he'd make sure that place never looked anything like home, but so what? He wouldn't be taking anything away from me.

Now he would.

All of a sudden it hit me that he had, actually, been taking a lot away from me. My freedom, my home, my family, my friends, my life.

And now that he was on the brink of taking it all away for a lot longer than just one or two weeks...

It was scary because if he succeeded, he'd be preventing me from going back my normal life.

But it was scarier because if he succeeded, he'd be preventing me from going back to what I now could no longer deny to myself was the thing I was missing the most.

The person I was missing the most.

I miss him. I have missed him since the first day in this place, but I tried as hard as I could not to admit it to myself in fear that, in admitting it, I would make the feeling grow bigger and stronger. But now it is as big and strong as it will ever get. I miss him.

I miss Frank.

I was trying not to think about what would happen until the end of the week, whether I would be checking out or not. But now after what the lady security guard told me, a light of hope of finally getting rid of Bob shone inside of me.

And with that hope, the feelings that I had came to the surface. I could no longer deny: I craved Frank's company.


	16. The Ghost of You

I was sat on my bed when it hit me. I miss him. Now it's all I can think of. How I miss being with him, how it was good to have his company. It amazed me how he had the power to make people feel better by only staying there by their side.

It hurts me that I feel like I haven't been a friend good enough to deserve all this goodness Frank has offered me since we first met.

All the times I was feeling down and he was there to comfort me, even when he himself was not at his best, he always put his struggles aside to help me; all the good laughs we had; all the times he confided things to me because he trusted me; all the times I confided him things because he always radiated this good energy that made me trust him without a doubt that I could be honest with him. But I wasn't honest about one thing. One feeling. I wasn't honest about that feeling not even to myself. I never admitted to myself that I felt more, that maybe I could and maybe I wanted to be more than friends with Frank. All this time, I couldn't admit it to myself. What a waste of time.

So there was also a bit of regret in my mind right now. Regret for not letting myself feel what I felt, for shutting the feelings down.

Now all I can think about is Frank and how I want desperately to thank him for everything he's done for me and tell him that I love him, that I'm undeniably in love with him.

Because I am. I am undeniably in love with Frank, and I don't care if he feels the same of not, I just want him to know.

*

I had been dreaming this same dream for some days now. The incident that made me have to stay in this place one more week. The second time Bob had managed to block my way out.

I keep reliving in nightmares the feeling of stomachache when I entered the yard and realized I was alone with Bob and his bodyguards; when I realized I couldn't go back anymore because two of them were already behind me blocking the gate. Before I could realize, Bob was on the ground screaming he had been hit in the face, the guards arriving. I was still confused as to who had hit him when Bob's personal bodyguards grabbed me. And there you had it, a scene to make it seem like they were holding me from hitting bob. And there was I once again in the director's office.

I wake up a sweaty. I remember today is the last day of that week for me, if everything goes right. That must be why this night the dream felt more real and frightening. I am really scared at this point. It's scary not to know what will be my fate.

*

It's lunchtime. I'm walking with shaky legs to get my food. Just keep cool. Just keep it cool. I say to myself on repeat. I breathe deeply in and out, in and out, in and out. I just need to get past these couple hours.

I'm getting my food when I hear Bob calling me, when I look his way, he is signaling for me to sit at the table he's in, which I was expecting, so up to this point, everything is going well, nothing to worry about. Or at least that is what I tell myself so that I don't panic.

And then it happens. He waited for me to finish my meal. So sweet of him, urgh. I know it's happening because I finish my food, look up and see him staring straight to me with a devilish grin. Then, once again, there he is, all over the floor, allegedly punched in the face. But this time, something is different, it seemed more than just alleged. There is blood all over his nose and mouth. I look dizzily around, almost fainting, everything is a blur, and I could just get a glimpse of one of his friends cleaning the red from the hand before coming to grab me. They really punched him to make it seem more real.

The worst of it all, the guard that is supposed to be around watching me is nowhere to be seen. At this point I am so dizzy I'm almost good as fainted, I can still sense the movement around me, guards arriving, people taking me somewhere, probable the director's office for the third time. But when I realize, I'm sat on a bed in the infirmary, holding a cup which content the nurse just made me drink. I fall asleep and about half an hour later. I call the nurse and tell her that I feel better, she says ok and that she is going to call the guard. I hope she is talking about the female guard, my guardian angel. But who enters the room with the nurse is a male guard, and he just takes me to the director's office.

Where is she? That is all I can think about. Maybe she betrayed me, maybe this was all a trick and she was sided with Bob after all. No, this is crazy and stupid. Maybe she was told to go back to girl's wing, because they didn't need her in this wing any longer.

But I find her sitting on a chair in front of the director's desk, there's an empty chair by her side and the director's points at it with his face signaling for me to sit there. I do and he starts talking about what Jenna –which was her name, which I only now realized never asked– had told him, that Bob planned it to make it seem like I was causing trouble and all that. He then proceeds to say something that I almost don't believe: my parents have been called and are on their way to take me home immediately.

I look to Jenna and see her smiling comfortingly to me. It's true, I'm finally getting out of here. When the director says I may now go to my dorm room to get my things, I rush out of the room. I feel like nothing can take my happiness away right now. Until I run into Bob, being taken by two guards.

– Looks like you got lucky, huh... this time – he says to me. – You have not seen the last of me, Gee.

I get a bit frozen at first, but then I take a deep breath in and just answer:

– Fuck off, Bob.

Later, when my mom was talking some last things with the director before we could leave I overheard a bit of the conversation and learned Bob had been taken to the solitary for a few days because of all that. Of course it didn't take back all he hurt me, but I have to admit it felt good to have a small sense of revenge.

*

I fall asleep in the car on the way home and even with all the discomfort of sleeping in a car in movement with no proper pillow or whatever, I had the best couple minutes of sleep of the month.

I wake up, not long after, with a slight ache on the side of the neck. Good thing I didn't have much time to sleep in the car or else I would have a total stiff neck. But every pain or discomfort in my body felt completely unimportant as I remembered I was now free to go and see Frank. I want to know immediately where he was, whether he already knows I was out, if not I want to talk to him right now to make him know. But for whatever reason, I stopped myself from asking about him to my parents. I felt a little of a childish embarrassment, like a little boy who is asked whether he already has a girlfriend in school. Since I don't have my phone on me, because he had stayed at home this whole time, I have to wait until we get home, which doesn't take long to happen, minutes later we arrive.

I only have the time to get upstairs and grab my phone, when I immediately turn around decided to go to Frank's I hear the doorbell. When I go downstairs I see that my dad, who is in the living room still hasn't opened the door even though he was just a few steps away, instead he just stands there looking at me and smiling, as if to say that I should open the door for whatever reason.

I do and see Frank standing in front of me.

The most gorgeous person I could have ever wished for standing right there in front of me.

After one second of just standing there, not moving, both of us move at once, like a mirrored image, towards each other and before I can realize I am embraced with Frank, Frank's embraced with me, and I am experiencing the best kiss I have ever experienced in my life.

I must have just eaten ice cream or something like that, because his lips were a little cold, and I like it very much. Being there, in the arms of that one person, and having that one person in my arms, felt so right, I wish we would never let go. There is no hands messing around, no butt touching. We are hugging, and that is enough. It's all very deeply passionate, and also respectful.

That was not the time to get naughty, maybe sometime else, but not there in my parent's porch.

Our lips let go, we rest our heads on each other's shoulder. I open my eyes and can see in the corner of the eye that my parents appear in front of the door, they look at us, they are smiling as they pass their arms in a hug. I, then, burst into tears. I start sobbing. Not because I'm sad, on quite the opposite, I feel so blessed.

We let go, I try to recover my composure. We go in, Frank says hello to my parents. I head to the kitchen to drink some water. When I go back into the living room Mikey is there too, by the stairs.

– Well, that's another surprise we have for you.

It is so good to know he is well and back home. I hug him tightly.

– I missed you very much – he tells me when we let go.

– I missed you too, man – I answer, which I know realize is very true, I missed him so very much too.

– So, Frank, honey – I hear my mom saying. – Why are you all dressed up like that? – He was, actually. Like he was going to a party of some kind, a some big special event. – You look like you're going to some special occasion.

He smiles.

– Maybe. Gee?

– Huh?

– Let's go?

– Ah, yeah, sure. Mom, I'm going-

– You're going out, yes, we know, have fun, darlings.


	17. Summertime

– What are we doing? Where are we going? – I ask Frank joyfully as I speed up my bike to keep up with him.

– To have a nice time – he answers as I got to his side, like he's only suggesting it. We both slow our bikes as we talk.

– So... big secret plans, you got?

– No... – he says casually. – Pretty simple actually. I thought of us having some food. Something nice for a change, I suppose you've had enough of prison food...

– Uff... You have no idea. Anything is better than eating in that place... – I say referring not only to the food that was served in the reformatory, but to the experiences I had in the cafeteria, but Frank doesn't know that, nor does he need to just right now. Right now, I wouldn't want to say anything that would spoil this moment. I don't want to make Frank think of the horrible things I have gone through, because I don't want to think of them either, or any other thing that is not the way Frank is talking casually about the plans he's made as if they weren't important, even though I'm sure he gave them a lot of thought. And I love him for that.

– So, I was thinking that new diner that opened few weeks ago – he starts. – I'm friends with the owner so I might get us some discount. It's nothing very fancy or anything, but it's fine...

– Frank, – I call slowing my bike to a halt. He, realizing that I stayed behind, stops too. I walk still mounted on my bike until I arrive at his right side. – It sounds perfect. – Holding his cute face with my left hand, I bring my head closer to his and we both engage in a soft kiss, I feel his arm embracing me, caressing my back and for a moment, I forget we are in the middle of the street. Seconds later we drive apart, look at each other in a kind of way of anticipation for how the other will react and, simultaneously we laugh.

– Good thing there's no one around – he says.

He's right, the street is completely deserted, except for us. This was a very boring neighborhood so it was very common for people to stay indoors during the weekends.

Our eyes lock in again, then Frank's eyes look to a point above mine, he takes his hand through my hair.

– Needing a repair, isn't it? – he says smiling and looking at my red hair.

– I guess... – I smile too. – I'll dye it again.

– Same color?

– No, I think I'll change.

– To what?

– I don't know... I'll let you choose.

He smiles at that.

– Ok, I'll analyze the possibilities and get back to you, sir – he says laughing. – So, let's go?

– Yeah. – and we start riding again.

Moments later we arrive at the diner Frank talked about. It was a very good place, the food was delicious and prices were not high and got lower still because Frank got the discount. As soon as we had entered the place, the man behind the balcony opened his arms and smiled broadly at us.

– Ah, the boyfriend, finally I get to meet him – the man had said, making me blush a little. – Frank here talked a lot about you – he continued now making Frank blush a lot. – C'mon, sit down. Accommodate yourselves. Frank's been waiting a while for this, hasn't he?

– Oh, my god... – Frank had muttered.

– Today I'll give you anything for half the price, how's that sound?

– Thanks – we muttered in response kind of embarrassed for being treated like some celebrities for no reason.

I spent the best evening of my life, because the food was worth twice its price, very delicious and, of course, I could not have better company.

Spending a whole evening talking with Frank was the Christmas present I only realized I was craving really bad when I got it. It was something completely magical. We have always understood each other very well and had a strong connection but what happened today was something I had never felt. I was like finally meeting again a friend I had not seen in thousands of years and having the opportunity to fill each other in on everything that happened in each one's life.

Of course we had not stayed thousands of year apart, but I surely seemed like it sometimes. Even though we had always been so close, there had always been that one thing locked away deep inside us that we held as a secret even from ourselves, not admitting to ourselves that it existed.

And now we had.

Now that we had opened that little lock that was hidden in us we could fill each other in on all that that was left unmentioned, untold, silent. Simultaneously to feeling like meeting an old friend, it felt, in a way, like meeting a complete new person, both because I had never met that person before and because I am a whole new person myself.

The sky is now giving signs of starting to get dark soon.

– Let's go, before it's too late – Frank says. And as I have a confused expression, he explains. – Not home! There's something I want to show you.

We pay and leave with excited and grateful waves and smiles getting a "come back soon" in return.

We are riding our bikes and Frank starts to go faster and tell me to keep up.

The place he was taking me to was not far, few minutes later we arrive. It is a nice open space, from where we can have a nice view of the neighborhood. There is a lot of people here, congregated in groups, there is drink going around. As soon we arrive, I spot a guy whose bright yellow hair makes him hard to miss, even harder to miss since he is walking towards us with a broad smile and his right arm in the air receptively. His left elbow is lifted high too and the arm would be mirroring the right one if he wasn't holding a red cup close to the chest seeming careful not to spill its content.

– Hey, Frank, how're you?

– Hey! – Frank greets the bright yellow hair guy with a careful hug minding the cup.

– Oh, hey! – he says looking at me from above Frank's shoulder. – So that's the Prince Charming! Finally! – I feel myself blushing and realize that Frank is too. For the looks of it, Frank talked about me a lot to a lot of people. The bright yellow hair guy comes to me now. – Hi, I'm Josh – he hugs me too, then looks at my hair. – Nice hair, man! Mine was that color just last week.

– So, this is Josh – Frank says. – I met him through Brendon. Brendon usually comes here too, it was him who brought me.

– Nice to meet you – I say to Josh timidly.

– You too! Well, see you later! – He says and leaves us, probably going to speak to someone else.

– You want a drink? – Frank asks me.

– Yeah, sure – I answer. He goes to a group of people sitting on the ground on a spot where there is some grass and comes back moments later with two cups. He hand me one.

– Come – he says and leads me to a bench that is close to the edge of the place. There's no one around, everyone is closer to the groups of people here and there with legs of beer and bottles of vodka. Everyone is talking excitedly; there is a pretty light atmosphere to the place, what makes it very comfortable. I also remarked in a quick look around that there was a lot of LGBT people, which gave another layer of comfort.

I look to the view. It is very beautiful. I then look at Frank, who is already looking at me. I smile at him.

– This is pretty great – I tell him. – Thank you very much for today. I loved it. – He smiles timidly.

– It was nothing.

– No, seriously, thank you so much. – I turn to him. – I loved it. And I love you. – And I go to kiss him.

– Do you? – He asks smiling as my lips reach his.

– I do – smiling too and kissing him in the corner of the lips. He comes and kisses my in the mouth with tongue. For a while we just stay there, together, making out, feeling each other's warmth, profiting from the moment to just feel each other's presence, after so long apart.

Then we drive apart, he looks at me smiling.

– I love you, too.

We stay a while silent, finishing our drinks and staring at the view. My head lying on his shoulder. After a while, I lie down with my head on his lap.

– How did you know? – I ask. – 'Cause I'm still not sure how I knew.

– Me neither. That's crazy, right?

– Yeah. I mean, it was like I had always known... – I say trying to sort out if what I'm saying makes sense.

– Exactly! Same. Me too. Like I knew, but wouldn't admit.

We fell silent.

– Now that we have finally, like, admitted and all... – Frank says hesitantly. – I can't help feeling a little frustrated we didn't do it earlier, you know?

– Yeah, I do... But I'm just happy we did it sooner or later. Better late than never, right?

– Right – he says laughing. Then something in his pocked caught his attention, he took his phone out of the pocket. – Great, Brendon and Mikey are here – he typed some short answer and put the phone away. Moments later he looked over my shoulder and smiled to someone. I looked back and saw my brother and Brendon arriving.

We greet each other with hugs and excited smiles.

They sit down on the bench, Mikey sits right by my side, he puts an arm around my shoulders and lays his head on my shoulder.

– I really missed you – he says.

– I missed you too, very much, My – I answer caressing his hair in an almost fatherly way.

– Girl, – Brendon bends to talk to me from his seat on the other side of Mikey – finally, you're out! I almost cannot believe it! I couldn't take the tension anymore, oh my god. I'm really glad everything worked out – he says giving me a sincerely joyful smile. Then he looks at Frank as well as me. – Also... I am so happy for you two!

I laugh.

– Yeah, thanks, I am too – I say looking to Frank, who looks at me, then back at Brendon and Mikey.

– And I'm so happy for you two!

I take half a moment to understand but then sort it out less like realizing it and more like remembering an information I already knew.

– Oh, yes, of course!

Mikey blushes, Brendon smiles broadly and winks, Frank smiles pretending to be a 13 year old girl seeing her ship, I laugh at it all.

I almost feels like the power of this moment washes away the horrible experiences I had in the previous weeks.

This feels like the best moment of my life.


	18. Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)

– Um... – Gerard says unsure. – I don't know about that... How about we just don't? – He says suppressing a chuckle.

Mikey enters the room.

– What was that? – he asks.

– Michael – Gerard begins in a fake repressing tone. – What have I told you about knocking?

– Fuck off – Mikey answers going further into the room, Brendon follows him right after.

– My, this is my room, you have to respect my privacy. What if we were naked? Hey Brendon.

– Hey. – Brendon goes straight to the bed and lies on it.

– Oh, god, Gerard, just shut up, I don't need this image in my mind – Mikey grabs a pillow with his free hand and throws it at Gerard, in his other hand he holds a plastic bag. – Here's the bleaching powder you asked me. You're welcome – he adds the last phrase with emphasis to the lack of thanking from his brother.

– Yeah, thank you, Mikey – says Frank nicely while Gerard makes mocking.

Mikey sits on the bed beside Brendon.

– So, – he begins – what were you saying?

– Gerard doesn't want me to dye my hair on the sides. – Frank explains.

– Yeah... cause it'll look horrible. – Says Gerard. – Also, your hair looks pretty nice like it is right know. – He adds passing his hand through Frank's completely black hair. – It's cute – he adds adjusting Frank's bang.

– What's the matter with changing a little? – asks Mikey.

– Well, change to something that'll look nice, then, he's got this crazy idea of dyeing only the sides, – Gerard says – and not the top – he adds as if it weren't clear yet.

– I'm literally thinking about doing it just because you don't like it – says Frank, who is sitting on the chair by the desk all this while, very calmly. – And besides, why are you so worried at my hair, look at yours...

– He's got a point, tho – points Mikey. – Your hair's damaged as fuck.

– So you can mess with your hair and I can't? – Asks Frank, amused by this conversation.

– Um, yeah... – Gerard answers shrugging like it is obvious. – Also, I'm not talking about damage. If you want to dye to your hair, just do in all of it.

– That gave me an idea. What if I dye each side a different color, Mikey, what do you think.

– That'd be great, actually.

– Well, prepare to be single again then.

They all laugh, including Brendon who is watching the whole conversation in amusement.

– Will you just get started with it already? – Asks Brendon still lying on the bed. – So that we can get it over with already.

– Okay, right, let's do this – Gerard says.

*

– Oh my god, can you go? – says Brendon from the hallway.

– Yeah, just a sec – says Gerard still looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, touching his platinum hair, trying to get used to it.

– Gee, if you haven't managed to look good until now, – Mikey appears in the bathroom door, behind Gerard – it's not ever gonna happen. – he adds faking a tone of giving bad news.

– Fuck off – Gerard claps back not driving his eyes off his reflection. He then finally gets out of the bathroom and goes into the room. – Was that a mistake? I'm not sure if this was a mistake or not.

– You don't like it? – asks Frank, who is lying on the bed.

– It's not that I don't like it, but it's weird to not have my usual red. I've had it for... forever.

Frank chuckles lightly, gets up, goes to Gerard, holds his face in his hands looking straight into his eyes.

– Gerard, – he says not in a whisper, but in a low voice so that Mikey and Brendon don't hear from the hallway – you look beautiful.

Gerard smiles timidly and sighs in relief.

– Ok, let's go – Gerard says, more loudly.

– Urgh, finally. – Brendon complains.

– Hey, does anyone know if Ray is making it? – Gerard asks. – Would be nice to see him, it's been a while.

– Um, I talked to him earlier, he said he'd meet us there – says Mikey.

– Good.

They all head downstairs.

– Mom, we're leaving – announces Mikey.

– Okay, sweetie, have fun and take care – Mrs. Way calls from the living room.

They head to the garage where their bikes are, Gerard opens the door and stays behind waiting for them to get out to close it again. Frank stays behind too leaving Mikey and Brendon to go ahead.

– So, erm... – Frank clears his throat before Gerard can ask why he didn't follow the others. – Um, we... well, I... asked Rob, or Bert for you I guess, whether it'd be okay for us to drop our bikes at his, he lives close to the place and all... Do you think you can manage to, like, see him and all? – He twitches his lips in apprehension.

Seeing how unsure and apprehensive he is asking that Gerard can't help feeling a little embarrassed and ashamed.

– U, y-yeah, sure. Sure. It's alright.

Frank sighs in relief and smiles. – Great, then.

They go.

*

– Hey, Rob – says Frank. – We came to drop the bikes.

– Ah yeah, yeah, right. Wait, just a sec – says Bert still from the door, because when he was about to step out he came back in to open the garage door. Few seconds later the garage door opened automatically. Mikey, Brendon and Frank rush to put their bikes in there. Gerard stays behind.

– Um, hey... – he says feeling like a dick. – Dude, I'm so sorry...

– Dude, it's fine.

– Really?

– For real, let's just let... all that... behind, you know? Let the past in the past and etc – he chuckles awkwardly.

– Yeah... – Gerard chuckles as awkwardly. – Right. But, well, still, I'm sorry... for beating the shit out of you.

– Well, sorry for being a shitty boyfriend to you.

– Oh, so now you'll admit we were boyfriends? – Gerard laughs, surprised at being making fun of something that did him so much harm in the past. Feels good to be over something bad that happened in the past, and Gerard has been getting over bad thing quite often lately.

Bert laughs ashamed.

– Dude, really, I'm so sorry for being such a shitty person and getting you in all that mess of... well, relationship.

– All is forgiven. – Gerard assures him smiling friendly.

– Gee, hurry – Brendon calls from the garage. Gerard only remembering what they came there to do, went to the garage and left his bike next to the other's.

All five of them walk up to the source of the chatter they could already hear.

Arriving there they saw the usual scene, some people they usually saw there, some new ones.

– Mikey! Hey! – It was Josh. He greeting they all in his usual cheerfulness. – Oh new hair! I've never tried platinum before, might try it someday – he adds looking at Gerard's hair, which is really highlighted since he is wearing all black.

They spotted Ray, went to him and they all greeted each other. They spent the rest of the night talking cheerfully, laughing and just having a good time.

*

– Gosh, I'm tired – says Brendon. It really was getting late. They all decide to go home and start saying goodbye to all people they had been talking to.

– Hey, – Frank says to Gerard – I'm home alone tonight, and tomorrow I guess, my parents went on a couple weekend thing. I was thinking maybe you'd want to sleep over?

– Um, sure! Yeah, sure, yes. – Gerard says, a little too energetically.

Frank laughs.

– Nice.

– Then let me just call my mom real quick, let her know – Gerard says getting his phone out his pocket and making away a some meters to talk in the phone.

The others, realizing Gerard's delay, approach Frank.

– What's taking him so long? – asks Brendon.

In this moment, Gerard puts his phone back into his jeans pockets and joins the group. He looks smiley at Frank and nods.

– Yeah.

– Yeah?

– Uh-huh.

Mikey looks at this strange exchange of nods slightly puzzled, but shakes his puzzlement away.

– Well, – he begins – c'mon Gerard, we are just waiting for you.

– Oh, no need to – Gerard says slightly awkwardly. – I'm coming with Frank.

– What was that? – Brendon, who had been a little absent-minded and didn't notice the last exchange of glances and nods and word, says coming nearer. – You're sleeping over at Frank's? Oh – he says laughing amused. – Oh, wow, Frank, wow, you're naughty – he says almost bursting in laughter.

– Brendon, oh my god! – says Mikey blushing in embarrassment.

– So, Gerard's... y'know... – he makes an expression of going to whisper as if what he is going to say is somehow forbidden, but speaks in the same normal tone – getting lucky today, ain't he?

– Oh, for fuck's sake, Brendon!! – Mikey says pushing Brendon, Mikey starts walking away and drags Brendon by the arm. – How old are you? – He says laughing still embarrassed.

– What? Did I say something? – they can hear Brendon saying faking innocence.

Frank's face is so red it almost seems like it is burning. Gerard, however, looks confused, as if everybody was laughing at a joke only he had not understood, which actually is the case.

Not many minutes later they are arriving at Frank's house. They put their bikes in the backyard and go in.

– Let's grab something to eat – says Frank when they are in, leading Gerard to the kitchen. They prepare some snacks, sandwiches, cookies, some sodas, and go to Frank's room.

– Careful not to drop anything in the bed – Frank alerts as they are half-sat, half lying on the bed.

– We'd just better go to the desk – Gerard says laughing.

– Right.

They move the food to the desk and Frank wipes the bed sheets clean of any eventual crumbs.

– I'll sweep it later – he explains as Gerard looks at the crumbs being thrown onto the floor.

They talk excitedly, laugh heartily, smile fondly, and have a really good time with each other. They finish eating.

Frank says he'll take the dirty plates back to the kitchen.

– There's a spare toothbrush here you can use – he says as he goes to the hallways holding their plates. Gerard follows him out of the room, goes into the door opposite, into the bathroom, and is already back in the room before Frank comes back.

Frank comes back with a broom to sweep the room floor. Gerard then hears the noise of the bathroom tap. All this while Gerard is lying on the bed. Frank's bed.

My boyfriend's bed. He thinks. My boyfriend. He repeats to himself as if savoring the word and its meaning.

Frank come back into the room after going to put the broom away and he has just entered the room when Gerard springs off of the bed and kisses his boyfriend passionately, feeling the mint breath of his just brushed mouth.

– What was that? – Frank asks surprised when they part.

– Sorry... – Gerard says blushing, embarrassed for his sudden impulse.

– Oh, no, don't get me wrong – Frank says re-approaching Gerard. – It was great – he adds smiling and, involving Gerard in his arms, they kiss again, slower this time.

– I'm really glad we could have this time alone, you know? – Frank says after some moments of silence. – I love being with the guys, of course. But of course I want to be only with you sometimes... well, many times – he chuckles.

– Yeah, me too.

– Also, Brendon sometimes starts being silly and all, like earlier tonight... – he chuckles embarrassed.

– I didn't get it, what did he mean?

– Did you really not understand?

Gerard shrugged.

– He thought I had called you here to... you know, have sex.

– Oh, oh wow – comprehension dawning on Gerard. He laughs timidly. – Oh, I didn't know... I didn't know that was what you meant.

– Oh, no, no, that was not what I meant. I just wanted to spend time alone with you, like we are doing now! I wasn't implying anything.

– Oh, right, good. Me too, I didn't imply anything... or thought you had implied... anyway...

They stay awkwardly in silence for a few moments.

– But, d'you... d'you want to? – Gerard starts uncertain. – I mean, do you want to... um, have sex... with me?

– No. I mean, yes! With you, yes, I do. But not... now, I mean...

– Yeah, yeah, right, me neither. Not now, I mean.

– Ok, good.

– Yeah, good.

Some more moments of awkward silence. Gerard then grabs Franks, who had been standing all this time in front of the bed, by the arm.

– Oh, come here – he says pulling Frank to lie down by his side.

They look at each other, feeling tranquility in each other's gaze.

– That's what I love in you – Frank begins. – I knew you wouldn't understand it like that when I invited you. I knew you'd understand me.

Gerard smiles.

– I don't need to measure my words when I'm with you – Frank continues. – I feel comfortable when I'm around you, and that is saying something, cause I'm usually uncomfortable around anyone – he chuckles.

Gerard's smiles becomes bigger, showing his teeth.

– I feel comfortable around you, too – Gerard says truthfully.

They stay a while in silence, but this time not awkwardly, only in calm and contemplation.

– What are you thinking about? – asks Frank.

– About you. – Gerard answers calmly.

– About me? What are you thinking?

– That you are beautiful. That you'd be beautiful anyway, with any hair, even if you dye it three colors. – Frank laughs lightly at this. Gerard continues. – That I am lucky to have you, to be here with you now. And...

– I love you.

– ...that I love you.

They say practically at the same time.

They laugh.

Gerard caresses Frank's face and reaches for a kiss.

– I love you, Frank Iero, so much.

– I love you, Gerard Way.

Gerard yawns, then proceeds to hug Frank positioning his head comfortably in his chest.

– Good night, Frank.

– Good night, Gee – putting his hand on Gerard's head and playing with his hair.

*

*

*

Gerard's P.O.V.

Once again, I believe in fairy tales. "And they lived happily forever after" is real. We lived happily forever after. Frank is the best thing that ever happened to me. With him, all my worries vanish. The terrors I lived one year ago in the reformatory and with Bob now feel like centuries apart from me. Like that was another Gerard. I haven't told anyone what happened there, and I figured I don't feel the need to. Whatever happened in that place did not and do not define me, and whatever could have happened would not define me if it had happened. I did tell the therapist I went to see for a couple of weeks soon after checking out, it helped a lot, and after that I felt I was ready to let it all behind.

My relationship with Frank just seems to get better every day. We hardly argue and when we do it is always about something silly that is resolved with laughter; I can't manage to argue seriously with him, nor he with me, the pain of fighting with each other is so big it is worse than any fight itself.

This is our last year on high school, so we are starting to think about college, what to do, where to go. I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to go to, neither does Frank, but we are sure of one thing: whatever it is we are going to do, we'll go together. We'll stay together, enter adulthood together, maybe have kids, sometimes we want to, sometimes we don't; mostly when I do, he doesn't; when he does, I don't. But either way we know that we'll grow old together, kids or no kids.

Mikey's P.O.V.

My brother and I have always been very alike, even though we never realized it. We're both in a relationship, one we never thought we'd be in, we're both in a very happy place, and we're both very glad and grateful for being around each other and our parents well, safe and sound, after the hardships we've been through.

I'm with Brendon; we are fine. At first we decided to try and figure out what we were, what would we be, etc. Then we just decided to stop trying to figure things out and just wait and see what happens; it's been working fine until now.

– Wake up, sleepyhead – my brother says appearing at my room's door. I am sitting on my bed, reading a book, I look up from the book to him.

– Um, just five more minutes – I say and look back down at the book. He has brought a pillow from his room and throws it at me, I raise my arm just in time to prevent it from hitting my face. – Thank you, I really appreciate you giving me all your pillows.

– Mikey, isn't it just nice? – he says completely ignoring the loss of a pillow.

– What is nice?

– Everything, life... I don't know.

– Geez, you really are in love – I say throwing the pillow back at him.

– I guess I am – he answers grabbing the pillow. – Mikey! – He suddenly says sharply. – Let's do something!

– Do what?

– Something. I don't know, something. Let's do something.

I raise my eyebrows at him.

– What do you want to do? – I ask imitating mockingly his emphasis.

– Remember when we were kids and we wanted to form a band? Let's do it! I mean it, let's do it. We just need a name...

I look down at the book and spot in the line above the one I was reading, the line I had just read.

– Chemical romance – I think aloud.

– What?

– Chemical romance. It's here in the book.

– That's it. That will do. That's the name of the band. Chemical romance.

– Whose romance?

– Our own, I don't know – he shrugs.

– You'll name the band Our Own Chemical Romance? – I ask laughing.

– Hm, yeah, I guess that's not very catchy... – he says thoughtfully.

– My Chemical Romance.

His eyes brightened.

– That's it! – he says. – That's it.

*

– What is taking Frank so long? – I say impatient. Mikey and I are in our house's garage waiting for Frank to arrive so that we can begin discussing the band, and (with luck) have our first rehearsal.

Before two minutes after I ask for Frank aloud, he arrives, and accompanied.

– Look who I brought! – he says excitedly.

– Ray, man! Good to see you.

– Hey, man, long time.

– Hey, hi, guys. Yeah, right, good to see you guys too.

– He'll join the band, too – says Frank.

– I can be the guitarist – Ray says.

– Perfect! – I say.

*

– Urgh, where is Miss Vocalist? – I Frank asking from behind the garage's door. I was about to shout "Coming!" when I got lost in concentration on the many sheets of paper I am holding, trying to find that one...

– I thought people were supposed only to run late for things when they lived far away from the place they need to go – says Ray. – How far is Gerard's room from the garage?

I hear Mikey and Frank laugh. I am now pushing the garage door open with my elbow, still focused on the sheets of paper.

– And I really thought hi excitement would last longer – Mikey says pretending to be gossiping unaware that I am within ear reach. – We've only been rehearsing for, what, two months and he's already bailing on us! Let's just throw him out and find another vocalist.

– First of all: – I say entering the garage – ouch! Second of all: sorry, I was looking for... this! – I say pulling the sheet of paper that I want an showing it to them. It is a song I recently came up with and had been finishing last night.

– Na Na Na?... – Asks Frank.

– Yes, but also Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, nine times, if you prefer.

– Guys, don't make those faces, – says Mikey – I read somewhere that when the child does something we have to congratulate them so they don't get frustrated. – He continues, then turning to me – Oh wow, that is so great, Gerard, did you write that? Oh, lovely!

– Fuck off – I show him my finger, laughing. – So, here are the music sheets – I say delivering the music sheets of their respective instrument. – Let's try it. – I go to the mic. – Look alive, sunshine... Oh, there's a bit of a monologue first, but let's just skip to the end. Ok, so guitar enters with me, the cue to the drums is "killjoys, make some noise" – I look around at them. – All good? – They nod in consent. – So, let's go, five, six, seven, eight.

The future is bullet proof,

The Aftermath is secondary;

It's time to do it now and do it loud.

Killjoys, make some noise!


End file.
